a poem

An eloquent friend of mine, Kilowatt, always posts the most amazing quotes and thoughts. This poem really spoke to me and I wanted to keep it close so i could read it a few hundred times and maybe understand it a little. Enjoy.

Woven of Flame and Snow

Finding her body woven
As if of flame and snow
I thought, however often
My pulses cease to go,
Whipped by whatever pain
Age or disease appoint,
I shall not be again
So jarred in every joint,
So mute, amazed, and taut
And winded of my breath---
Beauty being at my throat
More savagely than death.

- George Dillon

if it were up to me...

...i'd be nude descending staircase by marcel duchamp

the latest good stuff

. :chocolate pecan pie without vanilla - kinda brownie like - homemade crust is much better than expected - missing the vanilla but loving the dagoba in pure form
. :birthday pajama party with giant, rubber, blue, nipply ball play (with photos!)
. :3rd grade jokes really make you laugh when you're hiking in the berkeley hills
. :finding birthday gifts in five minutes and then seeing them be received with great enthusiasm
. :down to earth peeps
. :Joe from The Station Agent is my new hero from my new favorite movie
. :morning time schedules *almost* working perfectly
. :the block next to mine has lots of little colored lights up and the photos are really fun - working the shaky hand is my new favorite night time photo shoot.
. :shampoo/conditioner that smells like the tropics
. :warm, spiced mead
. :deep, wonderful, soulful conversations
. :eating all day long and loving it
. :riding bike to work again (no rain all week!)
. :being okay with not handling crises at work as well as I'd like - down with perfectionism!
. :getting over my aunt's beratement for expressing myself in a form she doesn't agree with
. :mac os x tiger dashboard weather report widget (say that 10 times fast!)
. :filling up my camera's memory chip for the first time - kind of exciting!

halloween weekend photoshoot

ciamac took photos of me this weekend - it was so much fun helping him learn how to use studio lights... here are some of my favorites from the raw collection - I can't wait to see how he processes them:







this one's a little stern but the light is soo good

recent events in haiku

today:
flipping thru a book
time to turn to the next page;
i reach for my mouse

two days ago:
tried on boots today
too bad they were not perfect.
i am very sad

off and on but regularly (and cheesily expressed):
wishing for a cause
but only receive a pause;
my shoulders drop down

two weeks ago:
fall in the city,
like summer on the east coast:
party on the beach

orange blood..blood oranges

orange blood

..being told that my blood is deficient and then feeling dizzy for minutes after a hot bath and dinner
..my face felt like rubber as I splashed water on it and my hands feel too big
..headaches
..feeling 'too old' and 'like a librarian' at a club when all I want to do is dance
..smog and smoke from week-long wild fires making the sinuses hurt
..chronic ear problems
..hungry but don't want to go downstairs and cross the street for soup
..crooked glasses and I don't care
..too many things that I want to do and not enough time to do them all
..halloween's on a frikin' monday

blood oranges

..falling asleep on the acupunture table, under the heat lamp, before work
..boo's deep, white bathtub and endless hot water
..going on a plane to hear my boo play records, again
..getting a compliment from a stranger on one of my home made skirts
..the stars on hollywood blvd
..boo brings the soup upstairs on his way home and it's better than ever before
..maybe getting those new frames with the curly bits on one edge
..supportive friends who want to work on creative projects with me and who ping me regularly to make sure said projects are still on the radar
..halloween week starts with a bauhaus concert, has some costume making in the middle, a possible tour of a s&m dungeon and ends with a divali party on all saints day

all i need is what i had

it's as if last november were still here
on the way to the cove of memory
to process a finished love
and feed the intertidal life

air: merely cold
light: x-rays into my longingness

then the tears came with no control
the tears now are less
tho sourced similarly

then: survival mode
innards exposed without interpretation or understanding

now:the girl with her memories etched into her skin with permanence
hears the story and is inspired
puts her spin out there

[whispers]
your x-ray perception
straight to my heart
has shown me
that the essence I was forced to expose
is all that matters

i want to thank her
and avoid her calls
for sharing

___________________________
i'm in the midst of a trauma, leave a message, I'll call you back...
some people should die, that's just unconscious knowledge.
because, the deeper you go, the wider you spread. you've gotta depend on me now, your vision is dead

those lyrics have always resonated with me for some reason. now it all makes sense.

adrenalized

today is really busy - lots going on at work. big deposit to make and then enter into "the system" while also entering transactions (the bookkeeping hat is my least favorite here) and these are so time and focus consuming. i also have this design competiton to process and i'm hoping that my boss has read and responded to my email. i assume incorrectly that he'll have a little pile to hand me when i ask him for it.

all of a sudden, it's 4:45 and i haven't processed our entry forms for the ReBrand 100 competition and today is the LATE entry post mark deadline. there is no pile prepped at the boss's desk so i calmly wait for him to sort the collateral that he's had for three days now (why do they always ignore emails?) so that i can get the forms processed.

it is now 5pm.
i've missed the drop box deadline so I call my favorite bike messenger, Mary at Drag Racer (an all girl bike messenger shop where the owner, Mary, rides all day) and tell her i need her help desperately. i babble something into her voicemail about which FedEx spot has the latest deadline and how i would love it if she could show up and wait for me to bring her the box.
[i felt bad about that but needed to ask - I like to save my "need" requests for when it's desperate.]

she calls back and asks the FedEx guy next to her about deadlines
[the one close to my office] is a good bet she says he says.
sweet, can you be here at 5:15?
totally. will it be ready?
i hope so!

5:15 comes and i'm still having to jump thru hoops for this $350 competition.
plastic sleeve 1 needs this doc.
plastic sleeve 2 needs these docs in triplicate.
everything must be in a three ring binder.
label everything clearly and you won't get anything back.

i've never been so ON in my life. the plastic sleeves are in that room. the binders are in this room. the copier is across the studio. thank goodness my printer is right here.
everything is coming together, in the box and ready to go.

THEN

the FedEx website is slow as molasses in winter.
but, Mary is out front prepared to be a drama queen at the fed ex counter - "i just fell off my bike and i'll get fired if this doesn't get to the east coast tomorrow and your website is really slow."
[she's my girl - she offered the drama.]

the hand off occurs with a request for a call back with the results.

i exhale.

Mary calls
everything is on it's way east. oh, and, by the way, for future reference, the deadline is 5:40, not 5:30
awesome, so we were only three minutes late rather than 18!
exactly.
girl, I'm buying you drinks on Friday at 4:20.
sweet!

gawd i love adrenaline.

Blue Lock

Blue Lock
Originally uploaded by fakeamerica.

this photo makes me feel nice.

(7X7)+20

One.
Seven things I plan to do before I die:

1. Travel the world.
2. Design and build my own home.
3. Immerse myself in all seven seas.
4. Learn to love, accept and have compassion for my faults.
5. Raise some/a children/child to see the world as it is and rise above the bullshit while appreciating the glory and beauty that is hidden in the cracks.
6. Get a master's degree.
7. Be recognized (by few or many - at least my friends) as an artist with skill.


Two.
Seven things I can do:

1. Laugh easily.
2. Dance with abandon.
3. Love.
4. Sew.
5. Philosophize.
6. Fard well - for myself as well as others.
7. Recite Rudyard Kipling's poem When Earth's Last Picture is Painted.


Three.
Seven things I cannot do:

1. Abide knowing ignorance.
2. Get my awareness to stay in the absolute field of all knowing.
3. Not be tone deaf.
4. Hang out in crowds for too long.
5. Live too far away from the ocean.
6. Wait to finally go to the Caribbean.
7. Wear heels (for very long periods of time).


Four.
Seven things that attract me to people of the opposite sex:

1. Intelligence.
2. Sense of humor.
3. Sense of perv-ness.
4. Sweetness.
5. Patience.
6. Open-mindedness.
7. Hands.


Five.
Seven things I say the most:

1. I love you.
2. Indeed.
3. SWEET!
4. Exactly.
5. WOOT!
6. Whatever [rolls eyes and sighs].
7. [air quotes]


Six.
Seven celebrity crushes:

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Madonna
3. Gael Garcia Bernal
4. Drew Barrymore
5. Carrie Ann Moss
6. Anthony Hopkins (as Hannibal Lector)
7. Dita Von Teese


Seven.
Seven people I want to take this quiz:

1. Marino's friend Sean (apparently, he answers surveys for a living...)
2. My mom
3. My boo
4. Miks
5. Me in a bad mood.
6. RATIO
7. Rick

20 random factoids

1. I collect jars to hold things and I take great pains to get all labels off - including massaging the jar with oil to get all the sticky off.
2. I love rocks.
3. My boo made me change the name of this blog (from 7x7) so I thought I'd add this part.
4. I like using big words incorrectly and then defending my definition.
5. I used to say esoteric when I meant to say metaphysical.
6. I think pretention is only for the upper class.
7. If I had a car, it would be a hybrid.
8. My fingers are crossed that if I ride my bike enough, I'll shed some extra pounds without having to join a gym (they never work for me anyway).
9. I wish my boo had suggested +10...
10. I'd rather be on the astral plane.
11. Painting is my most favorite thing that I don't ever do anymore.
12. I make KILLER pot brownies.
13. I can point my toes really well.
14. In a past life, I lived in Persia and really liked it.
15. My favorite foods come from ethnicities that are not included in the blood that runs thru my veins.
16. I really need a vacation on a beach.
17. My vacation time might be spent in Germany in the winter - almost as good as the beach.
18. I can't decide if I want to get a master's degree in art or psychology.
19. Dancing is another favorite thing that I don't do enough - but I do do it sometimes.
20. I think our president is a puppet for the lizard people.

fasting

I know why they call it a fast.
When I dramatically change the way I eat
for just a few days at a time
everything
moves
so
much
faster
my mind, my feet, my mouth, my wit, my appetite

i remember once being on a juice fast in fairfield.
i bought freshly juiced beets and carrots
drank one little bottle every 30 min
i had
so
much
energy

an obvious friend
told me to go to the woods
kill a deer with my bare hands
and drink the blood

i didn't really want to do that
so he took me to the fairfield family diner
and fed me fried chicken fingers

they
were
so
awesome

I'm looking forward to whatever it is that will manifest as those fried chicken fingers this time

Meeting across the membrane of vulnerability will redistribute pain, loosening its hold and making healing a basic part of all our relationships.

Defending against the new is a fruitless battle that cannot be won, regardless of how much rage is poured into the fight. Take your seed and plant in new terrain where great care will be required to make it grow, but where the rewards can exceed your highest expectations.

Our responsibility for the next two years is to develop the creative potential within each of us. We are building hearts, constructing courage and training the inner child to apply its talents with commitment and dignity. Each of us is a potential hero, the star of our own show who brings unique light to the human family. Don't shy away from your ego and the need to be noticed, but use it to make love more present in all of our lives.

There's no need to keep our wounds private, project them or compound them with shame. Meeting across the membrane of vulnerability is a way to redistribute pain, loosening its hold and making healing a basic part of all our relationships.

This is a time of shedding light into dark places, and courageously sharing your talents with the world. Take the risk of going too far with your personality, rather than holding yourself back, especially if you tend to be the shy type.

Patience is the key to making progress; slow and steady wins the race. A positive effect of this placement is sensuality, an unrushed pace for pleasure that can reduce fears about intimacy. Enjoying the process is more important that reaching the goal. Filling the senses with experience makes the journey more delightful.

edited and reposted from
Jeff Jawer, Publisher, StarIQ.com
...because timing is everything!
http://www.StarIQ.com

Brilliance

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe," a part limited in time and space.

He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest--a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness...

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

-Albert Einstein

clawing her way out

For a few weeks now, I've been ready to cry at the slightest bit of depth.

Last week, I left a trail of tears in front of a sculpture installation at SFMoMa, as well as every bit of art leading up to it.
I hear songs that move me and can't listen with joy any longer.
I see people performing double dutch tricks at parties and I roll my eyes jealously that I don't have "a thing" that is all mine and then I want to tell everyone about these amazing girls who get paid to perform rope jumping.

There is a wild, uninhibited, confident, tigress of an artist stuck underneath the veil of an anxiety ridden, hesitant, nervous nelly with bloody fingers from chewing (and a bloody scalp from scratching). The tiger is no longer comfortable under this skin and her claws make my day somewhat uncomfortable in turn.

If only I could rip open my chest and let her out.

My sense is that 1) I need to serve others but I only have this thought because of religious teaching - I've served others and not felt the alleviation of this frustration which leads me to sense 2) I need to spend a significant amount of time creating.

If that doesn't work, well, I'll tell the driver to stop so I can get off this damned bus.

a timely, somewhat ironic, reminder

June 17th, 4:00pm - chat

hi baby
i've been pleasantly lost in thoughts of you all day
i had pizza for lunch. office meeting
just walked around the city w/ dave a bit
4:10 PM
Shalako has gone offline.
4:45 PM
Shalako is now online.
4:55 PM
aww
you're such a poet
I ate a pot cookie about an hour and a half ago and made a deposit at the bank
then I went to sfmoma and cried for about 10 minutes in front of a piece that consisted of boxes carved into the wall, with shoes or a shoe or a shoe form in side the boxes and then a cow's bladder stretched across the hole and stitched with surgical thread to the wall.

focus

focus
my dear friend
where have you gone

i vaguely recollect a time
when the honor of your presence
didn't require steeped, fermented tea leaves

[with sugar and milk]

perhaps
once i've cleared the table
a bit
you'll return of your own volition

until then
my elusive friend

will that be one lump
or two?

i used to call my father bupa

[This is a rather long post, btw, with some really personal stuff at the bottom - so, if you're not interested in this story because it's not about me, scroll to the bottom]

So, I get this esoteric spiritual email from a friend - "little story I thought you'd like" was the subject line.
Cynicism rolled my eyes.
I start reading, still feel the cynicism but continue on and slowly feel [sheepishly] inspired.

Every time I read something like this, it 'strikes my static like liquid sedation' (to quote a dear friend) even if I am resistant. These ideas are like science non-fiction to me - whimsical and "why not?" possible - I take them with a grain of salt, the aforementioned cynicism and love to ride the inspiration that comes out.
They challenge my agnotism by attempting to put something into that undefinable space inside me. I do my best to let it all flow thru, leaving only it's residue behind.

The email started with this unattributed quote:

"your true family isn't those of your own race, culture, religion, county or even your biological family. It is your cosmic family - those who have come as you have come - on assignment to assist in ways large and small in the current transition."

---------------------------------------
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there were all of these little light beings just hanging out enjoying life in that joyful & timeless dimension. And then one day a very large, magnificent angel came to them. He had a very serious look on his face. He was looking for volunteers for a very important cosmic mission.

"We have this small - but very special - planet out at the edge of the Alcyon galaxy called Gaia. It is quite unique like a beautiful garden and it is teeming with hundreds of thousands of different life forms. It has been something of an experimental station in the galaxy and it has a most interesting humanoid life form that incorporates the very highest and lowest frequencies known in the cosmos. It is in fact the very epitome of dualism. On the one hand it is an incredibly beautiful life form and is capable of carrying the highest frequencies of love, light & joy known throughout the whole Universe. On the other hand it is capable of carrying the densest and darkest frequencies the cosmos has ever experienced - frequencies which the rest of creation evolved beyond eons ago.

Here is the current situation. Within the domain of time, this planet goes through periodic cosmic cycles. It is now coming to the end of two major cycles - a 2,000 year long age of Pisces and the 25,000 year long cosmic year in its journey around Alcyon, the central sun of the milky way galaxy.

With the completion of this cycle, many things are coming to an end and many things are about to begin. But most importantly, the planet is experiencing an infusion of light that is dramatically increasing it's frequency. As during any major time of transition, there will be a certain amount of turbulence. Some of this will be geological, for Gaia herself is a living planet and is also evolving. But much of it also involves the hominoid species that dominates the planet.

This will not be a particularly easy time for the species - especially for those who are sleeping and those who are vibrating at the lowest frequencies. As the frequency changes it will create insecurity which in turn will create fear.

The first era of evolution on this planet was the physical era and the key word was survival. The second era, which is now ending, was the mental era and the key word was logic. The third era, which is now beginning, is the era of the heart and the key word is love. This is the highest frequency.

Those who currently hold the reign of power on the planet are of the old order of the physical & mental. To the extent that they can make a graceful transition to a heart centered and divinely guided life, it will be an easy transition. To the extent that they are unable to do this, they will experience much turmoil.

So this is the current situation of Gaia. The reason I am here is to seek volunteers who would be willing to incarnate in humanoid form on the planet at this time to help make this an easy and smooth transition. We have sent prophets and teachers in the past. Very often they were brutally persecuted or killed. In other instances they were set up as "gods" to be
worshipped and these humanoids built elaborate religions and rituals around them and used these religions to control each other. They did everything except follow the simple teachings that were offered.

So this time we are trying a different approach. No more prophets, saviors & avatars that they can use to create religions. This time we are sending in thousands - actually hundreds of thousands - of ordinary light beings with only two assignments:

1) Stay in your heart. Regardless of what happens, stay in your heart.

2) Remember who you are, why you are here and what this is all about.

Now that seems easy enough, right? Unfortunately, No! As I have said, duality has reached its peak on this planet. This species has perfected the illusion of good and evil. The greatest challenge you will experience is to remember Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. When you remember, you will be able to stay in your heart, regardless of external events.

So how will you know when you are forgetting? It is easy. Watch your judgments. The moment you notice that you are in a place of judgment you will know that you have forgotten Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. That will be your signal.

Now here is the challenge. Life on this planet will require a great deal of discernment - wise evaluation of what is true, what is appropriate and what is for the highest good, both for yourself and for the planet. In many ways discernment is similar to judgment. However, you will know when you are in judgment and when you have moved out of your heart when you are in a place of blame.

We know how challenging that this planet can be. We know how very real the illusions on this planet appear to be. We understand the incredible density of this dimension and the pressure you will face. But if you survive this mission - and it is a voluntary one - you will evolve at hyperspeed.

We also should say that we know that some of you who will go to this planet as starseeds, will never germinate - never awakened to the remembrance of who you really are. Some of you will awaken and begin to shine, only to be choked down by the opinions and prevailing thoughtforms around you. Others will awaken and remain awake and your light will become a source of inspiration and remembrance for many.

You will incarnate all over the planet; in every culture, every race, every country, every religion. But you will be different. You will never quite fit in. As you awaken you will realize that your true family isn't those of your own race, culture, religion, county or even your biological family. It is your cosmic family - those who have come as you have come - on assignment to assist in ways large and small in the current transition.

True brotherhood and globalization in its highest form will come only in remembering Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. It will come as you return to the true temple of Divine Presence, your heart, where this remembrance takes place and from which you are called to serve the world.

So, are your ready? Good!

Oh, and by the way, there are a couple of other minor things I should mention......

Because of the density, you can't operate in that dimension without a space suit. This is a biological suit that actually changes over time. There are many things we could tell you about this but our orientation time is short so I think you can just jump in and experience it. You should be forewarned, however. There will be a danger that if you forget who you really are, you may think you ARE your space suit instead of the fact that it is simply your vehicle in that dimension. Once there, you will notice that there is an infinite variety of space suits and a great deal of attention given to these. However, in spite of the infinite variety, because this a planet of duality, they all fall into two basic categories called 'genders.' Again, we really don't have time to go into this now. But you will find your relationship with your own space suit to be most instructive and interesting.

The other little thing is this. In order to operate in that dimension, you will also receive a microchip called a 'personality.' This is like an identity imprint that, along with your space suit, will essentially make you different from everyone else. This will allow you to participate in the hologram there - something they call 'consensus reality.' Once again, there will be a real danger that you will become so engrossed in the holographic personality dramas that you will forget who you really are and actually think that you ARE your personality. I know it sounds rather unbelievable right now, but once you get there.....

Again, there is so much more we could tell you by way of orientation, but we think you can learn the rest experientially 'on site." The only thing that is important is to remember Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. If you can do that, everything else will work out fine. But take note: So few really DO remember this they stand out as 'different' and others called them 'Enlightened' or 'Awakened' and similar terms. Strange isn't it?

Well, Good Luck & Bon Voyage!!!
--------------------
Love - Buppy

[I'm not sure if Buppy is the person who sent this to my friend or if it's supposed to be the name of the angel doing all of this talking but when I read that name, I cried. My father was inspirational and a hinderance, loving and misogynistic, spiritual and in deep denial, happy and close to suicidal. He told me a couple of years ago that he wasn't going to talk to me anymore, in a voicemail, and that I'd "be okay". I still long for the father that I never had - the one that I maybe had for a few years when I was still innocent and cute enough for him - that was when I called him Bupa.]

thank you both

oh to have been that photographer.

true wisdom

the wisdom of the ages
is contained herein

look closely grasshopper
take notes
and do

be this

this is your liberation

{thank you miss mila for being my muse for a minute}

crimson pictures

to quote my friend miks "honey t" - "this is the best 'bitch please' i've seen" - say no more...


this t-shirt was made by me in honor of the chinese new year - for the year of the cock. the letters are made of reflective tape. the electrical tape on my hands and arms is my version of rooster legs.

redwood

I visited my sister Heather up in Arcata a while back. I wanted to get out of SF for a bit, take the my cousin Morris the doggers to the trees and make use of my uncle's car.
Morris and I stopped at about hour 5, on a road called Avenue of the Giants, and ran around in the rain moistened woods. The trees were tall, loving, soft, grand and wonderful. The air was cold and humid due to the rain being persistent and making its way thru the canopy to the ground and it smelled of decaying forest - one of the best scents available to humans on Earth.

"redwood tree. 15 inches. left side of spine. have it done while you're here."

"Really?" I thought in response to this sudden burst of information. "Okay, why not..."

Long story short - on the day I headed back to SF, I stopped by a tattoo shop, approved the drawing made the day previous, and subjected myself to 45 minutes of having what felt like a hot needle being dragged across my skin.



The trunk was the most painful aspect of the piece - it makes sense since that is the way in which those magnificent trees connect with our beloved Gaia.

Soon, I will have the work updated - either the outline cleaned up or the whole thing filled in. Those who have seen it are divided - some say "don't touch it, the outline is fabulous" and others who can't wait to see the fill. It started as an outline for a piece that would be filled with variegated greens and redwood and I feel that I should finish what I started.

Especially since I've come up with more ideas for additional work - one thing at a time girl, one step at a time.

it's easier than you think

loving myself
an unending process of discovery
constant
true

loving others
an unending process of fulfillment
mutable and everpresent
true

tell me about love
go to the limb, climb out onto it, get the fruits and fly away
birth verity

listen to the missives of the light beings
heed the words
act
keep looking forward
knowing that the path lies under your feet

the balance will be struck
relax into being
for there is the love

it's easier than you think

process end...to begin

Tuesday, I missed my yoga class by 5 minutes and thus got my exercise by walking from Hayes Valley, along Dolores Street, to my home in Glen Park. The walk took about an hour and I loved every minute of it.
This is not a foreign experience in my world.
However, it took seperating my life from another human to open myself again to the experience of walking for walking's sake.

And thank goodness for that seperation.

Now, I allow myself the time it takes to walk from point A to point B.
Then, I just wanted to get home to my best friend - to my nest-mate - to make dinner, watch TV, converse and laugh together. We would walk together - around the lake we lived next to, to the best movie theater ever - that just happened to be only a handful of blocks away, around the hills a few minutes drive from our nest, to the BART station on our way to something fun in the city - but we mostly spent time in the apartment that we chose together because it was our favorite place to be.
Even with the acute level of enjoyment that accompanied this life, I still felt that I wasn't as fulfilled as I should have been. This was a great point of contention within me and was the eventual downfall of the entire situation.

Again, this was a good thing.

Some say he was too conservative for me - I liked that about him, it just rubbed off on me too much and I squelched the free spirit inside me.
Within the relationship, I blamed him for not being open "enough" with me - he was the most open man I've ever shared a relationship with.
I felt a supreme lack of joy inside - typical human experience - and that made him too sad to help me talk it out.
He wanted to be with that happy girl he fell in love with.
I was ready to have a life partner who would help me dissect my humanity and learn to do it better.

Neither of us could offer what the other was asking for.

And we all know the vision quality of hindsight...I come to these words after 5 days shy of exactly 5 months past the decision to seperate. Understanding has come with time - as everyone told me it would when I was a slobbering mess on the phone only a few weeks ago.

In actuality, we were two puzzle pieces that only looked as if they made a coherant picture - upon close inspection, these pieces were not even in the same section of the image.

I have finally gotten to the point of knowing that it is no one's fault. I did not scare him away with my desire for more emotional intimacy (of my liking) and he did not bore me to dissatisfaction. We are two beautiful beings who lost ourselves in our shared nest of comfort and sweetness.

My body sighs. My soul is grateful that we were able to fulfill our first-month's pact to remain real in the partnership - we didn't want to stay in it simply for the sake of that comfort.

So, we didn't...

And now I walk and welcome the world that I had been leaving outside the front door for a few years. On the path I tred, is a vow to always keep walking and taking time to be with the only person who will be with me forever.

Right now she is sad - with with a huge bowl of hope on the side.

75 degrees does something to me

the air is filled with nostalgia
my breath tastes of
disembodied
maudlin
patterns of thought

unable to use a naming protocol
in reference to the swirling waters of
my emotional body
I enhale the sunlight

and keep on walking

the ball

emotional necrophilia
winding it up tight
hand the wheel
to the red head
in the purple undies
striking scorpion pose
with the ease
of a baby's full bellied smile

coo
spit up
sob
pass out

let the kitten play with the string
the ball will loosen
on it's own
vibrating
space between
crossing lines

space to breathe
space to fall into
space in which to hide out
until the tightening grip
of the mad
cable knit sweater knitter
(only for summer)
forgets the plan
and moves on to another ball of yarn

shaken but not stirred

so, i had this exchange with someone on myspace and this person took me TOTALLY wrong. i was told to piss off and then was deleted from friend list. wow.
as this title suggests, i'm shaken. someone thought i was doing something way other than what i was doing and that freaks me out a bit.
as it also suggests, i'm not stirred. i mean really, if someone is that quick to throw a sucker punch on line, what's to be expected of them in real life??

and that reminds me of a real life friend who did basically the same thing a few years ago. same situation - miscommunication and knee jerk reaction. in the big scheme of things, it's a good thing as it keeps me from having to walk on eggshells for someone ALL THE TIME.
i can understand if someone i know is going thru something and needs some eggshell steps...but...ALL THE TIME?? that's just too much for me - i haven't the time, energy or inclination to deal with that mess.

i've got way too much going on in terms of feeling abandoned in life - by GOD (only when i'm not feeling especially pagan), by my parents (yawn - just like everyone) and by some favorite people who have disappeared or turned down their light on my life. i mean, from those things, we all must move on and persevere. the good news is that someone in a silly on-line community who tells me to piss off is the least of my worries.

it still makes me feel a little bad inside - but only for as long as it takes to log out and go live life.

copy kitty (shout out to rena)

A friend of mine regularly blogs lists of things she likes versus things she's not so into. In an attempt at being as rock star wonderful as she, here is one of my own, fresh just today.

Hereos
my father pre 1986
the woman standing, stock still, in the Powell BART station this morning, singing acoustic
redwoods
the ocean
gmail
my friend JM who is Hard Core anti-establishment and is all about helping others do the same while thriving in life
my "new" job
weekends filled with things to do - including extra income - but still time to chill
regulatory hormones

Zeroes
my father post 1986
the people who feel it necessary to cover the sidewalks with phlegm every morning so I have to tiptoe to work in my favorite (ie Friday) pants because they're so long
logging
instant devastation with no warning
mail.com
the dominant paradigm
my "old" job
weekends without room to breathe
morning nausea

Enjoy your life and be happy...

I just installed a brand new under desk keyboard tray. I love it. My shoulders haven't been this relaxed while typing, or perhaps at all, in at least two months.
Two months. That's how long I've been working here and for all I care, it could end in 20 years and I'll be psyched.

Another thing I "haven't had in x amount of time" is a love for my income source.

I
love
my
job

I even told my boss, the CEO of the company, in an exhausted yet triumphant space, post holiday cocktail party clean up, that this is a "dream job." He chuckled and said "Good - I'm glad to hear that." I then went running down Mission Street to meet up with my dancing partners - with whom I had a fantabulous time until a mere 12:15am when I hopped on BART headed for my bed.

That night was one of my favorite nights in San Francisco. I felt like the hostess with the mostess or something "cliche" like that. I threw that damn party and the 1/4 of the invitees that showed up really seemed to enjoy themselves.

And, really, isn't that what life is all about?

exhibitions

This is my first blog on a real blogsite.
yipee.
I feel a bit sheepish actually. Blogging is such an exhibitionist act and I'm, well, I'm a shy exhibitionist.

Listen to Pinback's new album Summer in Abbadon (Ab-a-don not A-bad-don) as it's truly a masterpiece in music and lyrics. I can't stop hearing it in new ways.

peaches.