Timber Phoenix, Kitty Extraordinaire

The Friday night before Mother's Day, we drove from Burlingame to Pacifica down a road called Sharp Park. It's a two lane road with a 4 foot tall cement median dividing the two sets of two lanes. It was still very light out at 6:45 or so and I was able to notice, as the passenger, that there was a tiny little kitten walking up the road, on the inside of the road against the median.
Immediately I said "Shannonthatwasakitten! *sobbing immediately* We have to turn around and go get it *continued sobbing*"
We drove another mile down the road to get around the median and go back up the other side of the road. I spotted kitty and we pulled over and put the hazards on. I ran across the traffic free road to the median and the sound of the mewing. I said "kitty kitty - i'm coming" and when I reached over the median to get her, she looked up at me, right in my eyes, and put her little paws up to meet my reaching hands.
We were on our way to dinner at Kyle's and brought her in while we ate homemade pizza and bonded with his parents and she stayed in a clean recycling bin.

The first thought was to give her to Shan's step mom Kathy for mother's day but then we fell in love with her and she's ours. Yay!

birth assister lady

the awkward title is due to the awkwardness of the decision that i'm considering.

*whispers shyly*

I'm considering the path of the midwife

it's strange for me to say that for the following reasons:
1. For years now, I've felt the need to adopt, if I ever decide to become a parent, more than creating and birthing my own child.
2. I recently started a new career so I hesitate to move too quickly but feel very drawn to at least doing the research to decide if it's the right idea.
3. Being a midwife ain't no joke yo! To choose such a necessary and ancient role is really life affirming and scary and wonderful and daunting and did I say scary?

it's absolutely natural for me to say that for the following reasons:
1. I've felt like a childless parent since my late teens - I've had ideas about child rearing since I can remember. People tend to ask me if I have kids when we talk about theirs because I say things like "Oh, he's four? That's such a fun age - differentiated but not as difficult as two and three" and "Well, teenagers can be like that - just be patient and she'll come around"
2. All of my favorite facial clients are pregnant women and new mothers. It's not a bias as much as just a joyful treat for me to be able to pamper a mother to be. I love hearing about the changes in lifestyle, the falling in love with her baby, and all of the physical conditions - good and bad.
3. I've been wanting to do something medical and serious and this seems to be the most joyful option I've considered.

in starting my research, i came across this blog post that references the project of a woman i met once or twice when i lived and studied art, science, ayurveda and philosophy in fairfield, iowa and who shares many friends of mine: One Million Mothers Creating a Miracle
the premise is that they're asking for one million people to donate just $1 to help support Ibu Robin Lim's clinic Yayasan Bumi Sehat

Please look around the site and, if you are so inspired, help in whatever way you can. Especially if you are going to Bali and can take the clinic much needed supplies that they rely on but can't accept thru the mail because of "outrageous customs fees."

At my job, we are given monthly challenges with occasional cash prizes for meeting goals. Last month I met a goal and was given $125 - $25 in cash and $100 in a visa check card. I gave the entirety of the visa check card, and will give any future visa check cards to Yayasan Bumi Sehat thru the paypal account here. I hope that inspires you to help them out as well.

Big thanks go out to Joel for turning me on to Yayasan Bumi Sehat and whose website has a sweet candid photo of Ibu Robin right on the home page.

what if

if i wear flowers and vanilla
and see your skin in my milky tea

if i paint my nails the way you would
and wear my clothes as if they are yours

if i dream of you when out of body
and spend waking hours longing for those dreams

if i share your soul
with the rest of the family
but not so much this body

will i still be part of us
will we still take journeys together
make plans and strategies
etherically working the physical
enjoying existence
not looking at a goal
but simply be-ing because
it's
what
we
do

|||||||

have i forgotten a plan
that was laid
aeons before

am i stuck
longing
for something we planned
i would simply appreciate
when i could

i don't remember home
as much as i'd like
but i know i want to go there
to re-read the plans
to re-feel the task
to be re-minded that this is a joyful existence

but i do go there
without my body
regularly

sometimes you are there with me
re-minding me of the sweetness

the body waking is then oh so bitter

|||||||

what if insanity really does run in the family
and these are just the rantings of
a mad mind
that simply cannot capture
the ease of this place, this body, this task, this connection

i'm sure i've got plenty of time
to work it all out

isn't that the plan?

4 reasons why I'm excited

1. I just found a set of glow-in-the-dark rosary beads on the ground in the parking lot and they are still rubber banded and in a little zip lock bag. I've always thought the glow-in-the-dark Christian artifacts seemed a little strange and now I have some of my own little-strange-Christian-artifact to make art with!
The bag has marks on it like it got rolled over with a car. That makes me giggle.

2. Yesterday I whacked my arm on the counter at work (again) and promptly put arnica cream on it and took some arnica pills. A few hours later, I did the arnica again. Then I went home and ate lots of fresh pineapple.
Arnica and the bromine in pineapple are supposed to keep bruises from discoloring and hurting.
Today, the bruise is half what it was the last time I whacked my arm into the counter and it doesn't hurt at all. Yay for homeopathy and healing with foods!

3. The fresh pineapple I ate last night was AMAZING! We ate a quarter of it raw and put the rest of it into the braised chicken broth to cook and add it's flavor. Fresh pineapple cooked with chicken is really tasty - a completely different fruit than the common canned pineapple one finds in chinese food and on Hawaiian pizza. YUM!
The chicken turned out amazingly too!

4. We have two pints of ben and jerry's in the freezer waiting to be devoured. Call me over 30 but I'm so excited for ice cream and a DVD tonight.

overheard

today i overheard myself in this conversation:
person bagging groceries: oh, you don't want a bag?
me: no thanks - I've got one here. no need for more plastic.
pbg: [something something about his neighbors that I couldn't quite make out] yeah, they love plastic.
me: they better, it's not going anywhere!
cute girl at cash register: well said.

i'm pretty proud of myself for letting that come out without any forethought - i like it when my brain helps me out.

good brain - have some rest now.

cycling

Seven things I like to do while riding my bicycle:

1. give out tickets, in my head, to douchebags not doing things according to standard, ticketable, traffic laws.

2. fart - it's the funnest place to fart - except for maybe around the campfire.

3. sing a song that goes "la la la la"

4. pedal as fast as I can and then laugh or say "yeah!" kinda to myself - working up to shouting it out loud.

5. record outgoing voicemail messages to amuse those who make it to the voicemail box connected to my phone number. there are two different messages...

6. squint, carefully, and tilt my helmeted head down a bit so the visor blocks the sun because I'm not pleased with any of my current sunglasses.

7. change gears - soon, I'll get to change 27 but for over a month I've only really used two - maybe four. (broken right side lever - only three gears in back and I never really use the big chain ring in front)

breath

Ten of my favorite experiences with my breath

1. when I've had some wine and I exhale deeply I really enjoy the quality of my breath.

2. when I've been dancing for hours and feeling the music and my body and my breath takes over and it's deep and full and loud - then I push harder. GAWD I miss that - it's been years. SIGH.

3. when I've been sitting or lying down for a while and I get up and stretch and have a head rush because of the lack of breath - I always get in the most interesting head spaces that I wish I could record somehow.

4. one time, when I was in college, a friend walked me thru some healing exercise where I "hyper oxygenated my blood" by breathing fast and deep - it was a really wonderful experience and has been referenced a few times since in different healing experiences.

5. when I'm giving a client their shoulder massage and I take a deep breath at the same time, or just before, they do. that one makes me feel dharmic.

6. sharing breath with my partner is always dreamy when I enjoy it.

7. when taking a deep breath actually does clear my head and calm me down.

8. when I'm crying really hard and my breath has a shudder - it's uncomfortable but satisfying somehow.

9. on a crisp, clear night when I'm riding my bike on a flat, straight road thru the trees as fast as I can go and I spontaneously take a huge deep breath.

10. one night in college, I tried to convince a friend that inhaling a puff of smoke and holding it as deeply as possible in the belly until a yawn comes was a really freeing way to get high. she told me that i should try getting naked and walking around the dining hall because, that too, would be a freeing experience.

quake

We just had a pretty big earthquake! 5.6 ain't no joke! I hope everyone in the southern part of the east bay is okay.

The room was shaking and everything that was hanging, was swinging.
There was a subtle sound of creaking or movement.
The whole thing lasted for about 7 seconds which is a long time to feel the earth move under your feet while wondering if you're going to need to find some additional safety beyond the local doorframe (not so possible from the fourth floor penthouse here sadly!)

Here are screen shots from Earthquake.usgs.gov just after it happened:

lost treasure found - yay!

Last night as I was preparing my toiletries for a visit to Santa Cruz, I discovered a cache of makeup products that I thought I'd lost a looong time ago (at least a year).
They were in the small outside pocket that I don't use very often - soo rad.

The first item I registered in my cache of lost treasure made me squeal with happiness - it was the one item I lamented losing regularly. Urban Decay Heavy Metal Glitter Liner in the most amazing color, Spandex. I immediately put some on and was so happy.

I once went to Nordstrom's with a friend for some event where we all got little pink bags with swag and for every dollar we spent, we got a token towards gift prizes when we were done. She took me to the Lancome counter where she knew the woman working there. She got a full makeover and bought a few of her standard products. I discovered Lancome's Artliner in a color called Spectrum (which isn't on the sephora website - sadly because it's the most amazing color: iridescent and almost rainbow. It's so exciting to be reunited!

When I bought the artliner, she gave me two tubes of their Definicils Mascara. I gave one of the tubes to a friend (I'm too nice sometimes but I love to share the wealth) I love the size of the tube and had only used it once or twice. Yes, it's only a sample but still - it was barely used!

My most favorite "drug store" lipstick was in the cache too! I know that one would have been a really easy one to replace - if I'd even noticed it was gone. But, now that I have my Maybelline Wet Shine Lip Color in Pink Topaz back, I'll definitely be using it. This one is almost gone and I might even repurchase!(if they're still making it)

I have a handful of little bottles of glitter - I can't remember where I got any of them and I think a few were given to me. Two of my favorites, white and hot pink, were in this cache. I might have noticed them missing but it wasn't such a loss. The white one really is amazing - it goes on colorless and just gives you glittery greatness. And the hot pink - my trick is to put a touch of blush on the apples of my cheeks first and then touch this on top - it's over the top glittery but super fun for a party or out on the town.

One of the products was the Colorscience Lip Polish in the color, Bed of Roses. It's a pretty interesting lip product. It's mineral based so in the tube it's a bit oily and thick. It has a special lip gloss applicator and a little comes out on it at a time. You're supposed to apply and let dry. It does stay on for a while - longer than others - when you let it dry. But, this morning, my bottom lip has an itchy spot. Could be that the product is a bit old (didn't smell or look funny when I applied it last night) or that my lips are sensitive to the lip plumping stuff. I think I'll try to give this one to someone cuz it's pretty cool and I'd hate to just toss it. I might even try it on again - tho, the color is not ideal for me (it was a free sample given to a friend when she bought some bronzer from them and the color wasn't right for her).

And, last, but not least, my Body Time Luminous Rose Silk Facial Powder. I remember wondering where it went once and haven't thought of it since. I'm really happy to have this back tho because I wear mineral foundation at work and sometimes, when I'm having a good day, I don't need the color and this will be perfect. Yay!

Thanks for reading - if you're curious about any of these products enough to go get them, do let me know what you think.

self portrait challenge - food.02

My second "food" entry for SPC.

On Sunday, we went to Baker Beach

View Larger Map
and grumbled at the Blue Angels flexing their military muscle all over our supposed-to-be quiet day. Eventually, they landed and we were able to take a nap that left us hungry.
Hungry and near Clement Street


(which might as well be China Town West here in San Francisco) meant that we were on a hunt for noodles. Part of the hunt included trying to find noodles to cook at home.

And boy did we find them! The May Wah Supermarket made our night. We got oodles of noodles, veggies, soy milk, tea, a wok cleaning brush, some nice porcelain soup spoons, lots of different versions of bean paste filled cookies, a small bottle of sake and one small can of basil seed drink.

Below, you'll see two photos (I have SUCH a hard time deciding!!) of me and the latter two Asian market finds.

Ahh, basil seed drink. I was pretty nervous to try this stuff, hence the drink not quite hitting my mouth.¹



Mmm, nigori sake in a pretty pink bottle. It was a half bottle so my huge hand is actually not huge.




_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

¹Once he did it...


...I couldn't back down!


It's actually filled with these little gelatinously coated black seeds that taste vaguely of basil. The juice that they float inside tastes mildly of banana flavoring and the fun part was chomping down on the strange little seeds - it was easier to do so when only a small mouthful is ingested at a time.


The technique of filling the mouth with a big gulp and then trying to catch the seeds between the teeth...

...didn't work so well.

self portrait challenge - food.01

The challenge for SPC this month is food.

Yay!

I love food and I love photographing food and I love taking self portraits. I've just never focused on doing them together so this is super fun for me (rubs hands together with glee).

The hardest part of this challenge is choosing only one image to post here.
I've narrowed it down to just two¹ and if you feel so inclined, I'd love to hear which is your favorite and why.

These two are from my "candy obsession" session. Feel free to click to see the image larger.

I like this one best for the composition overall, but I don't like that the Cyprus Delight² I'm pulling from the shelf is cut off.


I like this one best for the look on my face, the fun, sharp perspective and the fact that the Cyprus Delight is shown off better, but I don't like the overhead light that's, well, directly over my head.


¹Actually, I wanted to share this one too because I felt like a 10 year old when I was shooting this part of the "candy obsession" series. I was giggling and trying to get the chocolate to show without it looking too gross. Then my man walked into the kitchen and said "are you taking pictures of yourself stuffing chocolate into your mouth?" and just kind of shook his head and laughed as I cracked up. I couldn't stop laughing. It was a super deep, belly laugh and it felt really good. Be forewarned, if you click thru to the larger image, it might gross you out like it did him. I think it's hilarious and it makes me giggle to look at it.

²similar to Turkish Delight, a la The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, only made in Cyprus instead. I got it at Bi Rite Creamery and it's got lots of yummy bergamot flavor - deelish.

my first time Critical Mass attendance...

...was on the 15th anniversary!

Before last night, every time Critical Mass would take to the streets, I would be otherwise engaged and would either watch from a window or not even know it was happening.
Yesterday, I got finished work early and was ready to ride at 6:15 - I even got to start with the rest of the group. The starting with the rest of the group thing wasn't ideal as we were unfortunately stuck in an inbetween spot where there weren't masses of bikes around us. Tho, there were some awesome "traffic holders" that would post up in front of oncoming traffic so we could fly thru the red lights, hooting, hollering and ringing bells. Drivers seemed incredibly patient the whole time my man and I were riding.

At one point, the group in front of us decided to wait for the group behind us to catch up, then it became really fun. There were two police officers on bikes in the ranks - not sure if they were "participants" in the sense that everyone else was, but they didn't hassle anyone. Actually, at one point, we heard an ambulance coming and a bunch of bikes stopped the rest of us so we could let it pass. The cops on bikes were the only ones who crossed around the bikes holding us up and in front of the Ambulance - ironic.

We split from the group near Lower Haight slash Duboce Triangle


when hunger took over and headed back to The Mission for cheesesteaks and the best garlic fries on the planet at Jay's.


When we were in Lost Weekend Video choosing the night's entertainment, the whole group came by again - which was super fun because we then got to be the peds on the sidelines cheering them on.
That's when I heard someone say that it was the 15th anniversary of the fun "sociodynamic" experiment. I'd link you to the "official" CM website but it seems that the unofficial, official website hasn't been maintained.

Yay for peaceful anarchic gatherings based on cycling!

self portrait challenge - bathroom

this is my first contribution to self portrait challenge. i've completed the challenge in the past, just not gone all the way to posting here.

i found the bathroom topic to be intriguing for a few reasons.
the first being that i love the bathroom here at my boyfriend's apartment and was excited to photo-document myself in it.
the second being that scene in Say Anything when James Court gets into his empty tub, with all of his clothes on to cry about how his world is collapsing around him. that scene has always made me cry with empathy.
the third reason takes the second reason into consideration. i've been going thru a lot of changes emotionally and mentally and find that i gain solace when in the bath.

in these photos, i attempted to capture the strong, yet emotionally challenged state i've been existing in for the past few months. it just so happens that these two images were, respectively, the first and last photos i took for this challenge.

memories of ron - part I

my dad's a scuba diver.

when I spent summers with him, sometimes he'd take me out to his dives with him. that usually meant that I'd sit in the boat while he was digging up starfish and sea urchins. sometimes I'd swim around and try to get back in the boat (which usually meant I'd end up hanging off the edge of the boat waiting for him to pull me back in. i've never been very strong in the upper body.)

sometimes he'd bring some giant or tiny lobsters up (the ones the lobsterpeople would have to throw back) for me to look at and we'd watch them swim away. sometimes we'd sneak them home and eat them - once we had a lobster with a claw that was at least six inches across. my mom kept the empty shell for years.

anywho, the real story I wanted to tell was about the time he brought up a fresh scallop. he split the beautiful, white shell open, sliced out the guts and threw them back where they came from. then he slurped the still living scallop muscle right down his throat while I watched, somewhat awed, somewhat disgusted. he offered me some and after I declined he said "I love it when I can feel them wriggle down my throat."

I wish I were that adventurous with food.

words and notes by friends - together for 60 minutes

hear Obvious World and me read some poems that are backed up by Joel Garnier's musical stylings here. The song should start right away.

I wrote these poems when I was in college and recorded myself reading them a couple of months ago.
Obvious always seems to be writing poems and he recorded his readings around the time I did, just so Joel could add music and put it up on his now-retired radio show on KRUU FM out of Fairfield, Iowa.
One never knows what Joel will be doing with his website and its content, so listen soon and then hit him up on his guest book so he can feel the love. :)

history

last night, I was honored enough to have a few tastes of a madeira made in 1910.

it was the first, and, I pray, not the last, time i've ever ingested anything almost a century old and i could taste the history.

it was smooth and wonderful and perfect, in every way.

now i want to know where that bottle started and how it travelled to end up filling my glass, twice, in 97 years. ahh, reverie.


update: according to wiki madeira's are the longest lasting wines. next on the list is one made in 1834!

dreaming is such a tease

I've had some seriously deranged dreams lately. I even had "the strangest dream I've ever had" - which is pretty monumental considering I've had many, many strange dreams.

One of my favorite of the recent dream selections involved someone who has written me off in waking reality, communicating to me in pictograms that she's warming up to me again. I woke up feeling really good. I'm too scared to tell her about it - to break the ice, if you will - as she's made it quite clear that she's not interested in having anything to do with me anymore and she peppers her language to me with threats of bodily harm.

I wish I could remember what the pictograms were. In the dream it was really fun deciphering them and then talking about them with her.

Sigh.

violet

last night I dreamed of blood

it was deep and dark

and I was in it

there was a black haired maiden at my feet

urging me to tear myself open

even more

reflecting on the changes of the last decade and a half

15 years ago compared to now

.:my mom keeps telling her friends that they can't trust me anymore and then she giggles. fun little jokester former hippy mom. i don't think she trusted me much when I was 15.
.:i still like birthday cake AND cookies on my birthday.
.:shiny red flats and a black and white dress were my birthday dinner garb - not much has changed since I made a vow at 15 to put in my will that my funeral would be "a party on Big Sandy Beach (or Singing Sands - depending on who you talk to) where everyone had to wear only black, white and/or red and they could only bring balloons and that they all had to dance rather than cry" - I still agree with that sentiment and still have no will, nor valuables to put into a will. my cds always go to someone at least 10 years younger than me. yes, I still buy cds.
.:This Night Has Opened My Eyes is still my most favorite Smiths song ever. I still listen to it over and over in one sitting - just not as often as when I was 15.
.:When i was 15 and told someone something that was personal, it never was very personal and I was always a bit hyper about his/her reaction. Now, I still get sad when I share something I feel to be emotionally exposing and I either get no response at all or get a response that seems to come from a place of not understanding what I was saying. The latter is easier for me to deal with than the former because at least I feel that it's okay to keep talking about it. The former happened recently, twice, with the same person, and it's really made me sad but I'm must more okay with it than I would have been at 15. The latter happened over and over with the same person and it left me feeling a need for space, and I asked for it. I wouldn't have been able to do it like that when I was 15.
.:i don't drink as much now as I did when I was 15. And when I drink wine now, it's almost always out of a glass, and not the bottle, unlike 15 years ago when I spilled pink paul masson wine down both sides of my face, while laughing, and not choking, and trying to chug it so I could get drunk.
.:i'm much more balanced when i'm stoned. I still get a little too chatty and sometimes talk out my ass, but I have more of a rein on the runaway thought/babble patterns.
.:I'm softer now.
.:My smile is twice as big and twenty gazillion times more sincere.
.:My eyebrows look ridiculously better now that I've learned the art of eyebrow shaping.
.:Feelings are allowed to exist inside me now.
.:Swearing is not nearly as common these days as it was back then - I was so angry at 15.
.:My hair's basically the same. I like my curls and they're good at telling me how to make them look.
.:I feel much less of a need to talk about my beliefs now than I did then. PHEW!

while you were away

wanting to write a poem to encompass the depth and breadth of emotions i've been feeling lately, yet feeling trite, saccharine and obvious, i chose to read instead. i happened upon this poem in the May 2007 issue of The Sun that somehow helped me feel slightly less singular.

while you were away
by Richard Newman

I thought about sex. I turned 40, drank beer
on the back porch by myself. Called an ex.
Last night, the woman across the alley, the one
with that green porch light, suddenly appeared
in a white and black Dalmation-spotted bathrobe,
bare legs, and slippers and shuffled down wet bricks.
She may have seen me, but she also saw
our other neighbor's Datsun gone, that guy
she dated once or twice, out all night,
and so she quickly shuffled right back home.
From the front side of the house, across the street,
a guy kept yelling, "April! April! April!"
He pounded on the door, "C'mon, April!"
I am also sick of the month of March.
The season sucks us out of our houses, pulls
us onto porches and down damp alleys. We keep
testing our breaths against the cool night air.

This afternoon I made corn chowder, baked bread,
roasted asparagus for the Bollingers,
the mother deep in chemotherapy
for the second time. Their ten-year-old daughter
plays sweeper on the fifth-grade soccer team.
I wonder if the couple still has sex,
and if they do each time feels like the last.

Tonight the neighborhood is quiet.
No dogs bark. Everyone must have been
sucked back inside, maybe licking their wounds.
Our neighbor's light still burns a fungus green.
The roots begin to stir in the cold March rain.
I feel like I've been 40 all my life.
My daughter is at her mother's, and tonight,
you are so much farther away than sleep.
I finish another High Life, go upstairs
and crawl beneath the covers, shiver, naked.
The dog's been on the bed, smelly but warm -
the only warmth tonight, so I'll take it.