dreaming is such a tease

I've had some seriously deranged dreams lately. I even had "the strangest dream I've ever had" - which is pretty monumental considering I've had many, many strange dreams.

One of my favorite of the recent dream selections involved someone who has written me off in waking reality, communicating to me in pictograms that she's warming up to me again. I woke up feeling really good. I'm too scared to tell her about it - to break the ice, if you will - as she's made it quite clear that she's not interested in having anything to do with me anymore and she peppers her language to me with threats of bodily harm.

I wish I could remember what the pictograms were. In the dream it was really fun deciphering them and then talking about them with her.

Sigh.

violet

last night I dreamed of blood

it was deep and dark

and I was in it

there was a black haired maiden at my feet

urging me to tear myself open

even more

reflecting on the changes of the last decade and a half

15 years ago compared to now

.:my mom keeps telling her friends that they can't trust me anymore and then she giggles. fun little jokester former hippy mom. i don't think she trusted me much when I was 15.
.:i still like birthday cake AND cookies on my birthday.
.:shiny red flats and a black and white dress were my birthday dinner garb - not much has changed since I made a vow at 15 to put in my will that my funeral would be "a party on Big Sandy Beach (or Singing Sands - depending on who you talk to) where everyone had to wear only black, white and/or red and they could only bring balloons and that they all had to dance rather than cry" - I still agree with that sentiment and still have no will, nor valuables to put into a will. my cds always go to someone at least 10 years younger than me. yes, I still buy cds.
.:This Night Has Opened My Eyes is still my most favorite Smiths song ever. I still listen to it over and over in one sitting - just not as often as when I was 15.
.:When i was 15 and told someone something that was personal, it never was very personal and I was always a bit hyper about his/her reaction. Now, I still get sad when I share something I feel to be emotionally exposing and I either get no response at all or get a response that seems to come from a place of not understanding what I was saying. The latter is easier for me to deal with than the former because at least I feel that it's okay to keep talking about it. The former happened recently, twice, with the same person, and it's really made me sad but I'm must more okay with it than I would have been at 15. The latter happened over and over with the same person and it left me feeling a need for space, and I asked for it. I wouldn't have been able to do it like that when I was 15.
.:i don't drink as much now as I did when I was 15. And when I drink wine now, it's almost always out of a glass, and not the bottle, unlike 15 years ago when I spilled pink paul masson wine down both sides of my face, while laughing, and not choking, and trying to chug it so I could get drunk.
.:i'm much more balanced when i'm stoned. I still get a little too chatty and sometimes talk out my ass, but I have more of a rein on the runaway thought/babble patterns.
.:I'm softer now.
.:My smile is twice as big and twenty gazillion times more sincere.
.:My eyebrows look ridiculously better now that I've learned the art of eyebrow shaping.
.:Feelings are allowed to exist inside me now.
.:Swearing is not nearly as common these days as it was back then - I was so angry at 15.
.:My hair's basically the same. I like my curls and they're good at telling me how to make them look.
.:I feel much less of a need to talk about my beliefs now than I did then. PHEW!

while you were away

wanting to write a poem to encompass the depth and breadth of emotions i've been feeling lately, yet feeling trite, saccharine and obvious, i chose to read instead. i happened upon this poem in the May 2007 issue of The Sun that somehow helped me feel slightly less singular.

while you were away
by Richard Newman

I thought about sex. I turned 40, drank beer
on the back porch by myself. Called an ex.
Last night, the woman across the alley, the one
with that green porch light, suddenly appeared
in a white and black Dalmation-spotted bathrobe,
bare legs, and slippers and shuffled down wet bricks.
She may have seen me, but she also saw
our other neighbor's Datsun gone, that guy
she dated once or twice, out all night,
and so she quickly shuffled right back home.
From the front side of the house, across the street,
a guy kept yelling, "April! April! April!"
He pounded on the door, "C'mon, April!"
I am also sick of the month of March.
The season sucks us out of our houses, pulls
us onto porches and down damp alleys. We keep
testing our breaths against the cool night air.

This afternoon I made corn chowder, baked bread,
roasted asparagus for the Bollingers,
the mother deep in chemotherapy
for the second time. Their ten-year-old daughter
plays sweeper on the fifth-grade soccer team.
I wonder if the couple still has sex,
and if they do each time feels like the last.

Tonight the neighborhood is quiet.
No dogs bark. Everyone must have been
sucked back inside, maybe licking their wounds.
Our neighbor's light still burns a fungus green.
The roots begin to stir in the cold March rain.
I feel like I've been 40 all my life.
My daughter is at her mother's, and tonight,
you are so much farther away than sleep.
I finish another High Life, go upstairs
and crawl beneath the covers, shiver, naked.
The dog's been on the bed, smelly but warm -
the only warmth tonight, so I'll take it.

idol, i guess

when I was little and scared
my dad encouraged me to listen to
and emulate
Madonna

I did
and already had been

I cried the first time I saw her in concert
I mean
I was in the same freaking room with her
it was overwhelming

and kinda silly

now even when I hear her song jump or how high
(new ones that don't have much emotion attached to them
yet)
I get choked up

even looking at her pics
gives me a bit of emotional stir

I don't want to meet her anymore
it seems that the magic could be ruined if that happened

well, maybe I do

but I want to not want to meet her anymore

I want to keep the idolatry in it's place
keep the pedestal in the gallery
and keep the dreaming free

things I saw at the park

it was a gorgeous, warm, sunny day, and my roommate and I went to brunch.

we ate brunch inside and then decided to go to the park.

we saw my bike messenger friend by the video store.

we all decided to get ice cream and then go to the park - my friend would meet us there.

i chose honey lavender ice cream - one scoop, in a biodegradable cup. my roommate got one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of roasted banana - they were yummy. I liked mine much more but noticed that after eating a bit of the chocolate, I could taste the honey a lot more in mine.

my bike messenger friend didn't show up so we went to the park without him.

there were a lot of people, in little groups, sitting in the sun, on the grass.

i trod carefully to avoid stepping in any poop. i didn't see any poop, nor did I tred in any.

we took a couple of Polaroids before we figured out that we wanted to take shots of our hands against nature.

my bike messenger friend found us - he'd gone to get a 20 oz of some hand crafted beer, which he opened with a key.

I saw someone I'm friends with, sitting a few yards away and I waved and smiled. but I did not rise and go say hi. then we talked about park/beach/public lounge area protocol regarding seeing friends and acquaintances.

a man walked up and passed out next to us, on his back, with his face smartly covered by his hat. he lay there with his arms out and his legs splayed, like a baby, and snored. we secretly took a Polaroid of him.

my bike messenger friend got to see a girl's butt as she put on her bikini under her little dress. that made him happy.

my roommate and I continued our quest for Polaroids of our hands in front of nature while we made our way home. at one point, my roommate was on the ground with the camera and some guys drove by and yelled "i've fallen and i can't get up!" it was funny.

when we got home, we put the Polaroids on the wall where we'd put the tree branch and leaves stickers. the Polaroids look like they're leaves falling from the tree branches. We like it.

concerning lately

shade covered tea time
jasmine and rose
warming my tongue
sweetening my day
filling my belly

a simple appreciation for life
just the way it is


*


losing friends
making new ones
simultaneously opposing feelings
tho one hurts more than one feels good

essentially, the game is to simply let the felt experience happen


*


entering a new sphere of influence
shedding that which is no longer needed
discovering new realms within which
to coexist
and function


*


jasmine and rose
remember my heart for me

blister on my toe
remind me to heel

tension in my shoulders
your job here is done

bliss in my heart
have a cup of flowers and stay a while

JOB: A comedy of Justice

Robert A. Heinlein wrote a novel with that name in the 80's and I just finished reading it in oh seven and it was amazing. So much of it fit right in with today's perspective, as most of Heinlein's books (that I've read) do.

There was a section in the middle, near the beginning of the end, where I got irritated with the main character but the end wrapped it all up for me. I think I was "supposed" to get irritated with him. Anyone who's interested in alternative views on traditional religions will appreciate this novel - anyone who likes to dissect Christianity and it's rules will appreciate it even more.

This is a pretty perfect book and I'm super glad that my cosmic friend Obvious told me about it, and encouraged me to read it by telling me he dug it. It's probably one of the first books I've read where the end left me feeling satisfied, and not longing for more time with my new friends.

You can probably find it in any library, if you don't want to part with your hard earned sheckles. It's a long book but I read it quick - it was all I wanted to do in my down time.

Teary Eyed at Work

this story made me so happy that i got misty eyed at the spa front desk.

A Dog Named Hero

Mexican thankfulness in photos

Click any image to see it larger on flickr. :)

Ventilation and Awe




Doors



Patterns and Lines



Reflected Selves



Ancient structures

no no, thank YOU!

I'll be out of town, out of the country, for a week to celebrate the idea of thankfulness.

Here are the things I'm most thankful for right now:
love
growth
my friends who allow me to be me and who are just beautiful being who they are
my family who are always full of love
travel
understanding
forgiveness
skincare
my new career
my new job within the realm of the above two
my goals
my five year plan
travelling with my honey
borrowing books from the library for travel reading
80 degree days and 40 degree nights (farenheit)
no plan plans
$1 = ~10 pesos
$45 1 1/2 hour massages

In the somewhat remote mountain town in Mexico, I'm sure there is some internet but I see no reason to access it when I've only got six days to soak up my first experience in a country that doesn't speak English as a first language.
Fortunately, my man does and I'm really good at talking with my hands.

I'm sure I'll post photos eventually upon my return.

If you comment on this or my page and don't see it, that's because I have to approve all of that communication and that won't happen until the 27th.
(tho, I bet I'll log on before I head out tomorrow afternoon... maybe... if I ever log off and go pack...)

plus; +; positive; more than neutral; opposite of negative

My blogs have been so negative and full of turmoil and strife lately so I've decided to share some "victories" with y'all, if only to let it be known that there is a very lighthearted being behind/above/within/around/next to that heavy one.

I had a GREAT day today:

:It started with discovering that my bike wasn't outside in the rain but left in an indoor sanctuary - yay for a rust free chain.

:Then I got to share a cab with three people and only had to contribute the cash in my wallet (about $2 with another $2 owed a schoolmate who threw in $5 for both of us).

:Even tho I was late, so were a bunch of other students who aren't usually and when the school pres asked us why so many of us "usually on timers" were late and we said "BART emergency" she said "Oh, that's a good excuse then." I still got a tardy but that's okay, the next, or I should say LAST, six week cycle starts on Tuesday (which means tardy's get reset).

:My last six week cycle will really only last for four more weeks, one of which is a week in Mexico for Thanksgiving! Yeah.

:I had a job interview yesterday at an excellent spa and I'm psyched to have gotten invited back for a second interview on Monday - it'll be awesome to get this job for many reasons but I'll save that for my next "good news" entry after I actually accept an offer.

:I got certified in TRUE makeup this morning (more good news connected to that if the above entry goes the way I hope and feel it will...). I love this makeup. It's all mineral based and super kind to the skin. Read about it if you're curious. Being certified only means that if I work in a salon or spa that sells it, I'm allowed to apply it to clients. And now I can do full makeup applications at school on my clients for free!

:I had a wonderful client this afternoon who rebooked for some waxing and bought the product that I recommended. I'm totally loving telling people about products and seeing their skin improve because of them. Did you know that 90% of the benefits you see in your skin after a facial come from the home care routine? It's true. Think about that the next time you consider buying a face cleanser at the drug store.

:Tomorrow is Saturday, which is really my Friday, because it's the last day of the week for me. Hopefully my crew and I will be going out dancing - sometimes we never actually make it out but we always have a great time.

Post script:
:Apparently, my horoscope for today is ALSO about positivity. Yay! I love it when things synch up. :)


November 3, 2006
Positive Outlook
Gemini Daily Horoscope

You could feel like pursuing your goals with resolve and purpose, which could make you optimistic about the outcome. Perhaps your zeal might be because you can picture a positive end result or because you refuse to allow negative thoughts to influence you. Keeping your focus on the future hopeful and positive today may make it easier for you to realize your goals. It might be useful to make a list of all of the characteristics you possess that will aid you in reaching your goals. By thinking of your positive qualities, you can concentrate on the potential you have to manifest your dreams, which can help boost your confidence in yourself. If you feel that you will be able to achieve your goals, then this power of positive thinking adds not only to your self-assurance but also puts a hopeful intention out into the universe.

Remaining positive about what the future holds allows us to put our energy into the most important thing that will help us reach our dreams..ourselves. Even though our dreams do not always happen exactly as we hope, we are most often the key to our own success. Having confidence in ourselves gives us the means to place our focus on what we need to do in a way that is meaningful and constructive. When we set our sights high and with optimism, the universe will respond in kind. By believing in yourself today, the universe will listen to your positive intentions and give you the means to reach your dreams.

overwhelmed by isness (a process documentation)

incarnation is hard
working out this whole "human" thing
is labyrinthine

i've been told that i'm no good at killing the minotaur
(or the medusa
or however the myth goes)

but I'm still in the middle of the battle
and the battle is evermore.
or, at least, until I get over the drama of the body...

[insert angels laughing riotously
knowingly
lovingly
dripping their effervescent tears onto my head
to remind me of home
and why I'm here]

[meanwhile, back on the battlefield:]
the mirror is being aimed
the light is reflecting and finding it's target
the medusa is shattering
the minotaur has a broken leg
at least
maybe even lost an eye
his tail is definitely shorter than it was


i feel overwhelmed by being in a body
overwhelmed by having a heart
overwhelmed by calls to integrity and goodness

they make sure that
every step is weighed
every thought analyzed
every interaction graded
processing is constant
learning is ever-present

silence does not exist here anymore
__________
i'm so tired

"i jus wan take nap rih her"

(quoting my youth
when
lighting a cigarette off of the one i wasn't even finished smoking
was what i did when drunk at a party)
_________________________________
am i drunk on the heaviness of existence?
am i regretting taking the drink of incarnation?
am i losing my ground-ded-ness?
________________________________________________
"life's ups and downs are easy when you have a fast car"
is written on a card
magnetized to the fridge
at my borrowed sanctuary
where I go to feel loved and open
and give thanks for the opportunity
to throw my arms wide and let go

yeah, let's go
let's use that fast car and go for a drive
blast the tunes
throw open the sunroof
drink wine
hit the beach
relax
RELAX
breathe clean air
run
play
laugh
LAUGH
giggle
play
laugh
run
drive
weee!

{this has been an active process by adrienecrimson - we hope you enjoyed the ride - to some art is about process rather than outcome, hence the first draft quality of this collection of words}

little blog tussle

Below is a really funny blog war that I've been involved in. It's funny because we both posted "Daily OM" emails that talk all about positivity and spirituality and we both posted them for the other.



I recently received a series of emails from someone who doesn't agree with the way I live my life. I got over it, relatively, and then stupidly decided to re-read them today and subsequently cried, got depressed and needed a pep-talk from a good friend. Post pep-talk, i checked my www.dailyom.com email and found this to be apropos for both myself and the writer of the above mentioned emails.

I am blogging it because I think that this information is good for all of us as we try to make our way thru this dense experience called incarnation.



October 16, 2006
Seeing Beyond The Unknown
Fear Of Losing What We Have

One of humanity's biggest fears is losing what we have. It is healthy when fear of loss helps us take steps to protect what we have worked hard to attain, but it is unhealthy to continue to fear something we can do nothing about. We need to remember that focusing our energy on fear can actually create what scares us, and holding tightly to what we have keeps us from participating in the universal flow of abundance and instead creates stagnation. Since we can only really control our thoughts and our responses, gaining proper perspective may be key to conquering such fears.

The letters of the word "fear" can be used to stand for "False Evidence Appearing Real." Fears of being separated from something or someone we feel we need for our security or happiness comes from a delusion - a distorted way of understanding ourselves and the world around us. When we understand that possessions are only representations of the energy at work in our lives, we can shift our attention to the right and proper place. We can stop fearing loss of money or success because when we understand how it is created, we can always create more. We can stop fearing loss of possessions when we realize that they are not the source of our joy or well-being but only icing on our cakes. And when we understand the energy of love, we need not hold anyone too close for fear of losing them for we know that love does not diminish when it is given or shared but expands beyond boundaries of time or space.

By focusing our light on our fears, they are revealed as mere shadows that disappear in the presence of mind and spirit. We can choose instead to direct our thoughts and creative power toward things of true value - love, abundance, peace, passion, and joy. These are energies that are always available to us when we place ourselves confidently in the universal flow of abundance.



then, a few days after I posted this, there was a response posted:



(a daily om from the archives)

Integrity

A boat with no leaks is said to have integrity, as is a solid piece of furniture. It is their wholeness-no gaps or weaknesses-that gives them their integrity. People who have integrity convey a similar "seaworthiness" and stability. There is the sense that they can be counted on, that their actions will be consistent with their ideals. Just being in the presence of someone with this quality creates a feeling of steadiness even in a chaotic environment. These people are natural leaders because we sense that it is safe to follow them. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi are clear examples of modern human beings who embodied integrity.

All spiritual traditions have vows, precepts, and tenets that are designed to encourage us to live in harmony with a higher vision of what humanity can be. Following a set of precepts, or taking a vow, can teach us what it feels like to be true to a set of elevated ideals in which we think beyond I, me, and mine. Being true to a vow in the face of temptation builds strength and power. We learn first hand the benefits of sacrificing short-term gains in favor of long-term vision. We learn the value of doing what is right, and not just what is easy. In a culture obsessed with convenience and freedom, integrity can be a rare quality. Perhaps this is because we have a cultural habit of resisting limitation and restriction. And yet, limitation and restriction often provide the structure in which integrity can be born.

Living with integrity generates self-confidence and self-esteem. It is important to take time on a regular basis to examine whether your actions, your words and your vision are in alignment. Make it a priority to look into any imbalances you find and commit to resolving them. Take time to consider and, when necessary, revise your overall vision for life, making sure your actions and words support your ideals.



I surrender.

I will not read that blog anymore (no matter how hard it is to not click on that link).

I will take that integrity post to heart and live within what I consider to be my own integrity, which includes not rising to any bait and simply being the person I want to be.

In case you find it odd that I would post on a different, unmonitored blog, this post is simply an appreciation of the fact that we were warring with deep philosophy and I find that kinda sweet.

Well, bittersweet if anything.

tear it out and throw it onstage for all to see

step right up folks, here it is, the only heart in the world that's inside out.
yes yes, look right there, it's hollow under all of that fire and the blood flows on the outside.

legend states that every so often, a strong fire builds inside that hollow and clears out all of the blues that get too heavy and sticky.
the fire leaves it looking like some of those redwood trees up there in northern california.
still growing but the center of the bottom is hollow and charred.
the tops are green and red, just as they should be.
and their root system is so wide that they don't even need the center to have any mass for them to remain standing.

that is just like this heart folks.

it is currently in burn mode.
you can see the smoke exit thru the aorta.
it's wings are gone and the blood has retreated until the burn subsides some.

there is always some fear that the charred tissue will become all that there is of this little heart so until that time, step right up and watch it burn.
perhaps the blood will flow again and sprout new wings.
perhaps not.

self excoriation reaches well beyond the dermis, perhaps even as far as...

...to the smooth, cardiac muscle.

the basement
tho furnished
seemed without egress

that girl down there
with all sweetness and light
feels no room
for bitter and dark

meringue

irish stout

can they not be favored by a similar palate?
do they not serve similar, yet completely different epicurian purposes?

would the basement
be of increased interest
with a window?

would the girl
end the digging
digging
DIGGING
D
I
G
G
I
N
G
DIGGING
into herself

thru all of the protective layers
deep into vulnerability
beyond safety
where the blood flows
sharp
crimson
thick
salty
appendages torn
barely useful
from all of the
D
I
G
G
I
N
G

'must, fix, must, fix, must, fix.must.fix.must.fix.mustfixmustfixfixfixfixfixfixfixfix'

'this basement is dark'

she destroys the wall and walks outside

she tries floating the meringue in the irish stout
not exactly what she was trying to do
but it's too late now

and even with the sky blown open
and the grass underfoot
it's still fucking dark
and now there's candy in her beer
and a cut all the way to her heart

and she put it there herself

thinking it would fix things

happy happy happy...

...that's me!

I love my school and my studies.
I just finished week one and I'm content and purring like a cat lying in a patch of sun, on a fuzzy blanket, after eating a whole lot of wet food and sitting in a lap being stroked for an hour (if you don't know cats, you won't get the "wet food" bit and that's okay, it's a "trade secret" in the cat loving world - join us and you'll learn!).
I'm tired and fighting a sore throat and about to take a bath but I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

Anyone in SF who wants a facial (or body skin treatment, some body waxing, a haircut or color) - just let me know - it's a great place and I'll be "on the floor" taking clients (for the first three things anyway) in just five weeks! But you can come any time because everyone there is great at what they do, and if, by chance, they're not, their "learning leader" (aka teacher) will help make it great.

I just thought I'd share that with you guys because I'm really excited to have shrugged off the corporate life and be re-entering the world of client care. :)
Anyone considering leaving behind a job that leaves them with no inspiration or personal satisfaction for something filled with creativity and joy all I can say is DO IT!
There's a book out there called Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow - I haven't read it but the title is enough for me, and with faith in yourself, it should be enough for you too.

it's official

I am now an Esthetician (aka Esthie) student at The San Francisco Institute of Esthetics and Cosmetology. At least, I signed the paperwork today.
Class starts on August 15th.
My last day of work will be August 11th, unless we replace me at work sooner than that... fingers crossed...
I'll be learning to administer facials and back treatments, hair removal with hot wax and makeup application techniques and I couldn't be more excited!

and nervous

and dharmic

and anxious...

There will be 8 students, at this point, and I'm glad for the small class size.
I won't have to work at all for the first few months (it's a total of 600 hours in 35 hour weeks and I should graduate around December 16th). If I budget well, I won't have to work at all!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is



WOOT!

surreal cereal 001

a certain solitude of the soul filled existance jungle music heals starting from outside vibratory planes and slowly filling up the holes

shoes help support the bottom of your soul's feet's shadow

music makes me feel better

1a. grumplesaurus all day (gawd I can't wait to be done with this job - only 20 more working days...) decided to take a very small check to the bank just to get out of this office.
couldn't resist the mega media store "sale" on "80s" stuff

I walked out with a flatter wallet and three new CDs

Madonna (of course) - Like a Virgin (now I finally own the CD...my mom has my vinyl somewhere, I think/hope)
Heart - Heart (same as above re: vinyl)
Tears for Fears - Songs from the Big Chair

Yay, now I can sing along to three more cds.

[heavy bit]
1b. I used to sing the TFF song "Shout" (I think you might know it) when I was like, uh, 8 or something, when that song was popular originally, to my dad and I'd yell the part "I'd really love to break your heart."
Sigh.
Perhaps I knew he'd break mine later...
[/heavy bit]

2. was a grumplesaurus on Monday (I had to go to work - no, not to work, but to keep from having to use a vacation day to not work) and when the "going to a movie double feature where the second movie is free" plan didn't pan out, I continued decoupaging tea tags to my tea tin while singing along as loud as I could to Fiona Apple's Tidal and I slowly became perky - especially when I realized that I was finished my tea tin (the decoupaging part - now I have to find toy truck wheels to attach to the bottom).

3. when I was in college, it was non-traditional. I got graded on how long I could sit up and then hop with my legs in (half) lotus during an 1.5 hour meditation session, twice a day, in a large, gold, domed building with a cement floor covered in foam mattresses coverd in white sheets. I also got graded on how well/often I put a particular man's philosophy into my school work (the more, the higher the grade, the more likely you were to get an award upon graduation - unlike me). When I got overwhelmed by all of it, I would either listen to Soundgarden Superunknown or Peter Gabriel's Passion depending on the vibe of the overwhelm.
One of the wonderful benefits of my strange university experience was the regular doses of live Ghandarva Ved music concerts that would happen in one of those foamy, sheety domy buildings [read: lying down to float away to never never land because of the dreamyness of the music.] I think they happened once a month and were free.

4. SIGH.