oh to have been that photographer.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
true wisdom
the wisdom of the ages
is contained herein
look closely grasshopper
take notes
and do
be this
this is your liberation
{thank you miss mila for being my muse for a minute}
Saturday, February 19, 2005
crimson pictures
to quote my friend miks "honey t" - "this is the best 'bitch please' i've seen" - say no more...
this t-shirt was made by me in honor of the chinese new year - for the year of the cock. the letters are made of reflective tape. the electrical tape on my hands and arms is my version of rooster legs.
redwood
I visited my sister Heather up in Arcata a while back. I wanted to get out of SF for a bit, take the my cousin Morris the doggers to the trees and make use of my uncle's car.
Morris and I stopped at about hour 5, on a road called Avenue of the Giants, and ran around in the rain moistened woods. The trees were tall, loving, soft, grand and wonderful. The air was cold and humid due to the rain being persistent and making its way thru the canopy to the ground and it smelled of decaying forest - one of the best scents available to humans on Earth.
"redwood tree. 15 inches. left side of spine. have it done while you're here."
"Really?" I thought in response to this sudden burst of information. "Okay, why not..."
Long story short - on the day I headed back to SF, I stopped by a tattoo shop, approved the drawing made the day previous, and subjected myself to 45 minutes of having what felt like a hot needle being dragged across my skin.
The trunk was the most painful aspect of the piece - it makes sense since that is the way in which those magnificent trees connect with our beloved Gaia.
Soon, I will have the work updated - either the outline cleaned up or the whole thing filled in. Those who have seen it are divided - some say "don't touch it, the outline is fabulous" and others who can't wait to see the fill. It started as an outline for a piece that would be filled with variegated greens and redwood and I feel that I should finish what I started.
Especially since I've come up with more ideas for additional work - one thing at a time girl, one step at a time.
Morris and I stopped at about hour 5, on a road called Avenue of the Giants, and ran around in the rain moistened woods. The trees were tall, loving, soft, grand and wonderful. The air was cold and humid due to the rain being persistent and making its way thru the canopy to the ground and it smelled of decaying forest - one of the best scents available to humans on Earth.
"redwood tree. 15 inches. left side of spine. have it done while you're here."
"Really?" I thought in response to this sudden burst of information. "Okay, why not..."
Long story short - on the day I headed back to SF, I stopped by a tattoo shop, approved the drawing made the day previous, and subjected myself to 45 minutes of having what felt like a hot needle being dragged across my skin.
The trunk was the most painful aspect of the piece - it makes sense since that is the way in which those magnificent trees connect with our beloved Gaia.
Soon, I will have the work updated - either the outline cleaned up or the whole thing filled in. Those who have seen it are divided - some say "don't touch it, the outline is fabulous" and others who can't wait to see the fill. It started as an outline for a piece that would be filled with variegated greens and redwood and I feel that I should finish what I started.
Especially since I've come up with more ideas for additional work - one thing at a time girl, one step at a time.
it's easier than you think
loving myself
an unending process of discovery
constant
true
loving others
an unending process of fulfillment
mutable and everpresent
true
tell me about love
go to the limb, climb out onto it, get the fruits and fly away
birth verity
listen to the missives of the light beings
heed the words
act
keep looking forward
knowing that the path lies under your feet
the balance will be struck
relax into being
for there is the love
it's easier than you think
an unending process of discovery
constant
true
loving others
an unending process of fulfillment
mutable and everpresent
true
tell me about love
go to the limb, climb out onto it, get the fruits and fly away
birth verity
listen to the missives of the light beings
heed the words
act
keep looking forward
knowing that the path lies under your feet
the balance will be struck
relax into being
for there is the love
it's easier than you think
Friday, February 04, 2005
process end...to begin
Tuesday, I missed my yoga class by 5 minutes and thus got my exercise by walking from Hayes Valley, along Dolores Street, to my home in Glen Park. The walk took about an hour and I loved every minute of it.
This is not a foreign experience in my world.
However, it took seperating my life from another human to open myself again to the experience of walking for walking's sake.
And thank goodness for that seperation.
Now, I allow myself the time it takes to walk from point A to point B.
Then, I just wanted to get home to my best friend - to my nest-mate - to make dinner, watch TV, converse and laugh together. We would walk together - around the lake we lived next to, to the best movie theater ever - that just happened to be only a handful of blocks away, around the hills a few minutes drive from our nest, to the BART station on our way to something fun in the city - but we mostly spent time in the apartment that we chose together because it was our favorite place to be.
Even with the acute level of enjoyment that accompanied this life, I still felt that I wasn't as fulfilled as I should have been. This was a great point of contention within me and was the eventual downfall of the entire situation.
Again, this was a good thing.
Some say he was too conservative for me - I liked that about him, it just rubbed off on me too much and I squelched the free spirit inside me.
Within the relationship, I blamed him for not being open "enough" with me - he was the most open man I've ever shared a relationship with.
I felt a supreme lack of joy inside - typical human experience - and that made him too sad to help me talk it out.
He wanted to be with that happy girl he fell in love with.
I was ready to have a life partner who would help me dissect my humanity and learn to do it better.
Neither of us could offer what the other was asking for.
And we all know the vision quality of hindsight...I come to these words after 5 days shy of exactly 5 months past the decision to seperate. Understanding has come with time - as everyone told me it would when I was a slobbering mess on the phone only a few weeks ago.
In actuality, we were two puzzle pieces that only looked as if they made a coherant picture - upon close inspection, these pieces were not even in the same section of the image.
I have finally gotten to the point of knowing that it is no one's fault. I did not scare him away with my desire for more emotional intimacy (of my liking) and he did not bore me to dissatisfaction. We are two beautiful beings who lost ourselves in our shared nest of comfort and sweetness.
My body sighs. My soul is grateful that we were able to fulfill our first-month's pact to remain real in the partnership - we didn't want to stay in it simply for the sake of that comfort.
So, we didn't...
And now I walk and welcome the world that I had been leaving outside the front door for a few years. On the path I tred, is a vow to always keep walking and taking time to be with the only person who will be with me forever.
Right now she is sad - with with a huge bowl of hope on the side.
This is not a foreign experience in my world.
However, it took seperating my life from another human to open myself again to the experience of walking for walking's sake.
And thank goodness for that seperation.
Now, I allow myself the time it takes to walk from point A to point B.
Then, I just wanted to get home to my best friend - to my nest-mate - to make dinner, watch TV, converse and laugh together. We would walk together - around the lake we lived next to, to the best movie theater ever - that just happened to be only a handful of blocks away, around the hills a few minutes drive from our nest, to the BART station on our way to something fun in the city - but we mostly spent time in the apartment that we chose together because it was our favorite place to be.
Even with the acute level of enjoyment that accompanied this life, I still felt that I wasn't as fulfilled as I should have been. This was a great point of contention within me and was the eventual downfall of the entire situation.
Again, this was a good thing.
Some say he was too conservative for me - I liked that about him, it just rubbed off on me too much and I squelched the free spirit inside me.
Within the relationship, I blamed him for not being open "enough" with me - he was the most open man I've ever shared a relationship with.
I felt a supreme lack of joy inside - typical human experience - and that made him too sad to help me talk it out.
He wanted to be with that happy girl he fell in love with.
I was ready to have a life partner who would help me dissect my humanity and learn to do it better.
Neither of us could offer what the other was asking for.
And we all know the vision quality of hindsight...I come to these words after 5 days shy of exactly 5 months past the decision to seperate. Understanding has come with time - as everyone told me it would when I was a slobbering mess on the phone only a few weeks ago.
In actuality, we were two puzzle pieces that only looked as if they made a coherant picture - upon close inspection, these pieces were not even in the same section of the image.
I have finally gotten to the point of knowing that it is no one's fault. I did not scare him away with my desire for more emotional intimacy (of my liking) and he did not bore me to dissatisfaction. We are two beautiful beings who lost ourselves in our shared nest of comfort and sweetness.
My body sighs. My soul is grateful that we were able to fulfill our first-month's pact to remain real in the partnership - we didn't want to stay in it simply for the sake of that comfort.
So, we didn't...
And now I walk and welcome the world that I had been leaving outside the front door for a few years. On the path I tred, is a vow to always keep walking and taking time to be with the only person who will be with me forever.
Right now she is sad - with with a huge bowl of hope on the side.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
75 degrees does something to me
the air is filled with nostalgia
my breath tastes of
disembodied
maudlin
patterns of thought
unable to use a naming protocol
in reference to the swirling waters of
my emotional body
I enhale the sunlight
and keep on walking
my breath tastes of
disembodied
maudlin
patterns of thought
unable to use a naming protocol
in reference to the swirling waters of
my emotional body
I enhale the sunlight
and keep on walking
Friday, January 28, 2005
the ball
emotional necrophilia
winding it up tight
hand the wheel
to the red head
in the purple undies
striking scorpion pose
with the ease
of a baby's full bellied smile
coo
spit up
sob
pass out
let the kitten play with the string
the ball will loosen
on it's own
vibrating
space between
crossing lines
space to breathe
space to fall into
space in which to hide out
until the tightening grip
of the mad
cable knit sweater knitter
(only for summer)
forgets the plan
and moves on to another ball of yarn
winding it up tight
hand the wheel
to the red head
in the purple undies
striking scorpion pose
with the ease
of a baby's full bellied smile
coo
spit up
sob
pass out
let the kitten play with the string
the ball will loosen
on it's own
vibrating
space between
crossing lines
space to breathe
space to fall into
space in which to hide out
until the tightening grip
of the mad
cable knit sweater knitter
(only for summer)
forgets the plan
and moves on to another ball of yarn
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
shaken but not stirred
so, i had this exchange with someone on myspace and this person took me TOTALLY wrong. i was told to piss off and then was deleted from friend list. wow.
as this title suggests, i'm shaken. someone thought i was doing something way other than what i was doing and that freaks me out a bit.
as it also suggests, i'm not stirred. i mean really, if someone is that quick to throw a sucker punch on line, what's to be expected of them in real life??
and that reminds me of a real life friend who did basically the same thing a few years ago. same situation - miscommunication and knee jerk reaction. in the big scheme of things, it's a good thing as it keeps me from having to walk on eggshells for someone ALL THE TIME.
i can understand if someone i know is going thru something and needs some eggshell steps...but...ALL THE TIME?? that's just too much for me - i haven't the time, energy or inclination to deal with that mess.
i've got way too much going on in terms of feeling abandoned in life - by GOD (only when i'm not feeling especially pagan), by my parents (yawn - just like everyone) and by some favorite people who have disappeared or turned down their light on my life. i mean, from those things, we all must move on and persevere. the good news is that someone in a silly on-line community who tells me to piss off is the least of my worries.
it still makes me feel a little bad inside - but only for as long as it takes to log out and go live life.
as this title suggests, i'm shaken. someone thought i was doing something way other than what i was doing and that freaks me out a bit.
as it also suggests, i'm not stirred. i mean really, if someone is that quick to throw a sucker punch on line, what's to be expected of them in real life??
and that reminds me of a real life friend who did basically the same thing a few years ago. same situation - miscommunication and knee jerk reaction. in the big scheme of things, it's a good thing as it keeps me from having to walk on eggshells for someone ALL THE TIME.
i can understand if someone i know is going thru something and needs some eggshell steps...but...ALL THE TIME?? that's just too much for me - i haven't the time, energy or inclination to deal with that mess.
i've got way too much going on in terms of feeling abandoned in life - by GOD (only when i'm not feeling especially pagan), by my parents (yawn - just like everyone) and by some favorite people who have disappeared or turned down their light on my life. i mean, from those things, we all must move on and persevere. the good news is that someone in a silly on-line community who tells me to piss off is the least of my worries.
it still makes me feel a little bad inside - but only for as long as it takes to log out and go live life.
Friday, January 14, 2005
copy kitty (shout out to rena)
A friend of mine regularly blogs lists of things she likes versus things she's not so into. In an attempt at being as rock star wonderful as she, here is one of my own, fresh just today.
Hereos
my father pre 1986
the woman standing, stock still, in the Powell BART station this morning, singing acoustic
redwoods
the ocean
gmail
my friend JM who is Hard Core anti-establishment and is all about helping others do the same while thriving in life
my "new" job
weekends filled with things to do - including extra income - but still time to chill
regulatory hormones
Zeroes
my father post 1986
the people who feel it necessary to cover the sidewalks with phlegm every morning so I have to tiptoe to work in my favorite (ie Friday) pants because they're so long
logging
instant devastation with no warning
mail.com
the dominant paradigm
my "old" job
weekends without room to breathe
morning nausea
Hereos
my father pre 1986
the woman standing, stock still, in the Powell BART station this morning, singing acoustic
redwoods
the ocean
gmail
my friend JM who is Hard Core anti-establishment and is all about helping others do the same while thriving in life
my "new" job
weekends filled with things to do - including extra income - but still time to chill
regulatory hormones
Zeroes
my father post 1986
the people who feel it necessary to cover the sidewalks with phlegm every morning so I have to tiptoe to work in my favorite (ie Friday) pants because they're so long
logging
instant devastation with no warning
mail.com
the dominant paradigm
my "old" job
weekends without room to breathe
morning nausea
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Enjoy your life and be happy...
I just installed a brand new under desk keyboard tray. I love it. My shoulders haven't been this relaxed while typing, or perhaps at all, in at least two months.
Two months. That's how long I've been working here and for all I care, it could end in 20 years and I'll be psyched.
Another thing I "haven't had in x amount of time" is a love for my income source.
I
love
my
job
I even told my boss, the CEO of the company, in an exhausted yet triumphant space, post holiday cocktail party clean up, that this is a "dream job." He chuckled and said "Good - I'm glad to hear that." I then went running down Mission Street to meet up with my dancing partners - with whom I had a fantabulous time until a mere 12:15am when I hopped on BART headed for my bed.
That night was one of my favorite nights in San Francisco. I felt like the hostess with the mostess or something "cliche" like that. I threw that damn party and the 1/4 of the invitees that showed up really seemed to enjoy themselves.
And, really, isn't that what life is all about?
Two months. That's how long I've been working here and for all I care, it could end in 20 years and I'll be psyched.
Another thing I "haven't had in x amount of time" is a love for my income source.
I
love
my
job
I even told my boss, the CEO of the company, in an exhausted yet triumphant space, post holiday cocktail party clean up, that this is a "dream job." He chuckled and said "Good - I'm glad to hear that." I then went running down Mission Street to meet up with my dancing partners - with whom I had a fantabulous time until a mere 12:15am when I hopped on BART headed for my bed.
That night was one of my favorite nights in San Francisco. I felt like the hostess with the mostess or something "cliche" like that. I threw that damn party and the 1/4 of the invitees that showed up really seemed to enjoy themselves.
And, really, isn't that what life is all about?
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
exhibitions
This is my first blog on a real blogsite.
yipee.
I feel a bit sheepish actually. Blogging is such an exhibitionist act and I'm, well, I'm a shy exhibitionist.
Listen to Pinback's new album Summer in Abbadon (Ab-a-don not A-bad-don) as it's truly a masterpiece in music and lyrics. I can't stop hearing it in new ways.
peaches.
yipee.
I feel a bit sheepish actually. Blogging is such an exhibitionist act and I'm, well, I'm a shy exhibitionist.
Listen to Pinback's new album Summer in Abbadon (Ab-a-don not A-bad-don) as it's truly a masterpiece in music and lyrics. I can't stop hearing it in new ways.
peaches.
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