to the caribbean, me

i'm off to the caribbean sea, to the us virgin island of st john this evening and i won't return to the cold rain, (tho, right now, i'm having a hard time seeing the screen for the bright, warm sunlight streaming in thru the blinds) until the 24th.
i'd love to say that i'll post some travel blogs but if all they have is a dial up, i'll be spending that time on the beach instead.
there will be a summary, and maybe some of my own photos too, shortly after i return.

WOOT!

liquids and gemstones

sometimes
when i close my eyes
i see moving images

* * *

tonight
i saw
up
as if from the bottom of a wine glass
and a blue, faceted jewel
was being dropped into the liquid thru which i was looking

* * *

wandering around my island
on an early winter eve
the light rain
peppering my face with itself
and the full moon in the sky
made me feel as if
i were floating in a glass of champagne
with the bubbles gently and persistently
popping on my skin
while i looked at the glint of the diamond in the ring worn by the woman holding the glass

* * *

liquids and gemstones
interesting...
(to be continued...)

granola

1. I'm having a bowl of trader joes mango passionfruit granola for lunch at 2:55pm

2. When I started living on my own at 17, I made up a pancake that consisted of the following: butter on the pan, arrowhead mills multigrain pancake mix, made thick, on top of bubbly butter, granola sprinkled onto/into pancake before flipping, peanut butter spread on smooth side of pancake, and a mixture of butter, maple syrup and jam poured over top. I sometimes made this pancake for others - especially if they braved a 45 min ferry ride and 10 min "big car" ride to my dad's house when I was feeling like showing them that I came from a very strange place (hence the living on my own part).

3. My mom told me recently that her first bowl of granola took her 20 minutes to finish. This was when she lived in a house with 10 other people, worked at a coffee house where Bonnie Rait (wonderful lady), Linda Rondstat (liked to eat a full pan of brownies and then spend a few min in the bathroom...), Bruce Springsteen (he's very shy, drinks jack and ginger but has to have Clarence Clemmens - sax - order it for him) and the E Street Band (Clarence asked my mom out! I'd have such a much better complexion if she had said yes!!) were known to play small gigs, and was crowned the Brownie Queen (I finally figured out that this must have been because of "special" butter...like mother like daughter I guess...)

a poem

An eloquent friend of mine, Kilowatt, always posts the most amazing quotes and thoughts. This poem really spoke to me and I wanted to keep it close so i could read it a few hundred times and maybe understand it a little. Enjoy.

Woven of Flame and Snow

Finding her body woven
As if of flame and snow
I thought, however often
My pulses cease to go,
Whipped by whatever pain
Age or disease appoint,
I shall not be again
So jarred in every joint,
So mute, amazed, and taut
And winded of my breath---
Beauty being at my throat
More savagely than death.

- George Dillon

if it were up to me...

...i'd be nude descending staircase by marcel duchamp

the latest good stuff

. :chocolate pecan pie without vanilla - kinda brownie like - homemade crust is much better than expected - missing the vanilla but loving the dagoba in pure form
. :birthday pajama party with giant, rubber, blue, nipply ball play (with photos!)
. :3rd grade jokes really make you laugh when you're hiking in the berkeley hills
. :finding birthday gifts in five minutes and then seeing them be received with great enthusiasm
. :down to earth peeps
. :Joe from The Station Agent is my new hero from my new favorite movie
. :morning time schedules *almost* working perfectly
. :the block next to mine has lots of little colored lights up and the photos are really fun - working the shaky hand is my new favorite night time photo shoot.
. :shampoo/conditioner that smells like the tropics
. :warm, spiced mead
. :deep, wonderful, soulful conversations
. :eating all day long and loving it
. :riding bike to work again (no rain all week!)
. :being okay with not handling crises at work as well as I'd like - down with perfectionism!
. :getting over my aunt's beratement for expressing myself in a form she doesn't agree with
. :mac os x tiger dashboard weather report widget (say that 10 times fast!)
. :filling up my camera's memory chip for the first time - kind of exciting!

halloween weekend photoshoot

ciamac took photos of me this weekend - it was so much fun helping him learn how to use studio lights... here are some of my favorites from the raw collection - I can't wait to see how he processes them:







this one's a little stern but the light is soo good

recent events in haiku

today:
flipping thru a book
time to turn to the next page;
i reach for my mouse

two days ago:
tried on boots today
too bad they were not perfect.
i am very sad

off and on but regularly (and cheesily expressed):
wishing for a cause
but only receive a pause;
my shoulders drop down

two weeks ago:
fall in the city,
like summer on the east coast:
party on the beach

orange blood..blood oranges

orange blood

..being told that my blood is deficient and then feeling dizzy for minutes after a hot bath and dinner
..my face felt like rubber as I splashed water on it and my hands feel too big
..headaches
..feeling 'too old' and 'like a librarian' at a club when all I want to do is dance
..smog and smoke from week-long wild fires making the sinuses hurt
..chronic ear problems
..hungry but don't want to go downstairs and cross the street for soup
..crooked glasses and I don't care
..too many things that I want to do and not enough time to do them all
..halloween's on a frikin' monday

blood oranges

..falling asleep on the acupunture table, under the heat lamp, before work
..boo's deep, white bathtub and endless hot water
..going on a plane to hear my boo play records, again
..getting a compliment from a stranger on one of my home made skirts
..the stars on hollywood blvd
..boo brings the soup upstairs on his way home and it's better than ever before
..maybe getting those new frames with the curly bits on one edge
..supportive friends who want to work on creative projects with me and who ping me regularly to make sure said projects are still on the radar
..halloween week starts with a bauhaus concert, has some costume making in the middle, a possible tour of a s&m dungeon and ends with a divali party on all saints day

all i need is what i had

it's as if last november were still here
on the way to the cove of memory
to process a finished love
and feed the intertidal life

air: merely cold
light: x-rays into my longingness

then the tears came with no control
the tears now are less
tho sourced similarly

then: survival mode
innards exposed without interpretation or understanding

now:the girl with her memories etched into her skin with permanence
hears the story and is inspired
puts her spin out there

[whispers]
your x-ray perception
straight to my heart
has shown me
that the essence I was forced to expose
is all that matters

i want to thank her
and avoid her calls
for sharing

___________________________
i'm in the midst of a trauma, leave a message, I'll call you back...
some people should die, that's just unconscious knowledge.
because, the deeper you go, the wider you spread. you've gotta depend on me now, your vision is dead

those lyrics have always resonated with me for some reason. now it all makes sense.

adrenalized

today is really busy - lots going on at work. big deposit to make and then enter into "the system" while also entering transactions (the bookkeeping hat is my least favorite here) and these are so time and focus consuming. i also have this design competiton to process and i'm hoping that my boss has read and responded to my email. i assume incorrectly that he'll have a little pile to hand me when i ask him for it.

all of a sudden, it's 4:45 and i haven't processed our entry forms for the ReBrand 100 competition and today is the LATE entry post mark deadline. there is no pile prepped at the boss's desk so i calmly wait for him to sort the collateral that he's had for three days now (why do they always ignore emails?) so that i can get the forms processed.

it is now 5pm.
i've missed the drop box deadline so I call my favorite bike messenger, Mary at Drag Racer (an all girl bike messenger shop where the owner, Mary, rides all day) and tell her i need her help desperately. i babble something into her voicemail about which FedEx spot has the latest deadline and how i would love it if she could show up and wait for me to bring her the box.
[i felt bad about that but needed to ask - I like to save my "need" requests for when it's desperate.]

she calls back and asks the FedEx guy next to her about deadlines
[the one close to my office] is a good bet she says he says.
sweet, can you be here at 5:15?
totally. will it be ready?
i hope so!

5:15 comes and i'm still having to jump thru hoops for this $350 competition.
plastic sleeve 1 needs this doc.
plastic sleeve 2 needs these docs in triplicate.
everything must be in a three ring binder.
label everything clearly and you won't get anything back.

i've never been so ON in my life. the plastic sleeves are in that room. the binders are in this room. the copier is across the studio. thank goodness my printer is right here.
everything is coming together, in the box and ready to go.

THEN

the FedEx website is slow as molasses in winter.
but, Mary is out front prepared to be a drama queen at the fed ex counter - "i just fell off my bike and i'll get fired if this doesn't get to the east coast tomorrow and your website is really slow."
[she's my girl - she offered the drama.]

the hand off occurs with a request for a call back with the results.

i exhale.

Mary calls
everything is on it's way east. oh, and, by the way, for future reference, the deadline is 5:40, not 5:30
awesome, so we were only three minutes late rather than 18!
exactly.
girl, I'm buying you drinks on Friday at 4:20.
sweet!

gawd i love adrenaline.

Blue Lock

Blue Lock
Originally uploaded by fakeamerica.

this photo makes me feel nice.

(7X7)+20

One.
Seven things I plan to do before I die:

1. Travel the world.
2. Design and build my own home.
3. Immerse myself in all seven seas.
4. Learn to love, accept and have compassion for my faults.
5. Raise some/a children/child to see the world as it is and rise above the bullshit while appreciating the glory and beauty that is hidden in the cracks.
6. Get a master's degree.
7. Be recognized (by few or many - at least my friends) as an artist with skill.


Two.
Seven things I can do:

1. Laugh easily.
2. Dance with abandon.
3. Love.
4. Sew.
5. Philosophize.
6. Fard well - for myself as well as others.
7. Recite Rudyard Kipling's poem When Earth's Last Picture is Painted.


Three.
Seven things I cannot do:

1. Abide knowing ignorance.
2. Get my awareness to stay in the absolute field of all knowing.
3. Not be tone deaf.
4. Hang out in crowds for too long.
5. Live too far away from the ocean.
6. Wait to finally go to the Caribbean.
7. Wear heels (for very long periods of time).


Four.
Seven things that attract me to people of the opposite sex:

1. Intelligence.
2. Sense of humor.
3. Sense of perv-ness.
4. Sweetness.
5. Patience.
6. Open-mindedness.
7. Hands.


Five.
Seven things I say the most:

1. I love you.
2. Indeed.
3. SWEET!
4. Exactly.
5. WOOT!
6. Whatever [rolls eyes and sighs].
7. [air quotes]


Six.
Seven celebrity crushes:

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Madonna
3. Gael Garcia Bernal
4. Drew Barrymore
5. Carrie Ann Moss
6. Anthony Hopkins (as Hannibal Lector)
7. Dita Von Teese


Seven.
Seven people I want to take this quiz:

1. Marino's friend Sean (apparently, he answers surveys for a living...)
2. My mom
3. My boo
4. Miks
5. Me in a bad mood.
6. RATIO
7. Rick

20 random factoids

1. I collect jars to hold things and I take great pains to get all labels off - including massaging the jar with oil to get all the sticky off.
2. I love rocks.
3. My boo made me change the name of this blog (from 7x7) so I thought I'd add this part.
4. I like using big words incorrectly and then defending my definition.
5. I used to say esoteric when I meant to say metaphysical.
6. I think pretention is only for the upper class.
7. If I had a car, it would be a hybrid.
8. My fingers are crossed that if I ride my bike enough, I'll shed some extra pounds without having to join a gym (they never work for me anyway).
9. I wish my boo had suggested +10...
10. I'd rather be on the astral plane.
11. Painting is my most favorite thing that I don't ever do anymore.
12. I make KILLER pot brownies.
13. I can point my toes really well.
14. In a past life, I lived in Persia and really liked it.
15. My favorite foods come from ethnicities that are not included in the blood that runs thru my veins.
16. I really need a vacation on a beach.
17. My vacation time might be spent in Germany in the winter - almost as good as the beach.
18. I can't decide if I want to get a master's degree in art or psychology.
19. Dancing is another favorite thing that I don't do enough - but I do do it sometimes.
20. I think our president is a puppet for the lizard people.

fasting

I know why they call it a fast.
When I dramatically change the way I eat
for just a few days at a time
everything
moves
so
much
faster
my mind, my feet, my mouth, my wit, my appetite

i remember once being on a juice fast in fairfield.
i bought freshly juiced beets and carrots
drank one little bottle every 30 min
i had
so
much
energy

an obvious friend
told me to go to the woods
kill a deer with my bare hands
and drink the blood

i didn't really want to do that
so he took me to the fairfield family diner
and fed me fried chicken fingers

they
were
so
awesome

I'm looking forward to whatever it is that will manifest as those fried chicken fingers this time

Meeting across the membrane of vulnerability will redistribute pain, loosening its hold and making healing a basic part of all our relationships.

Defending against the new is a fruitless battle that cannot be won, regardless of how much rage is poured into the fight. Take your seed and plant in new terrain where great care will be required to make it grow, but where the rewards can exceed your highest expectations.

Our responsibility for the next two years is to develop the creative potential within each of us. We are building hearts, constructing courage and training the inner child to apply its talents with commitment and dignity. Each of us is a potential hero, the star of our own show who brings unique light to the human family. Don't shy away from your ego and the need to be noticed, but use it to make love more present in all of our lives.

There's no need to keep our wounds private, project them or compound them with shame. Meeting across the membrane of vulnerability is a way to redistribute pain, loosening its hold and making healing a basic part of all our relationships.

This is a time of shedding light into dark places, and courageously sharing your talents with the world. Take the risk of going too far with your personality, rather than holding yourself back, especially if you tend to be the shy type.

Patience is the key to making progress; slow and steady wins the race. A positive effect of this placement is sensuality, an unrushed pace for pleasure that can reduce fears about intimacy. Enjoying the process is more important that reaching the goal. Filling the senses with experience makes the journey more delightful.

edited and reposted from
Jeff Jawer, Publisher, StarIQ.com
...because timing is everything!
http://www.StarIQ.com

Brilliance

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe," a part limited in time and space.

He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest--a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness...

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

-Albert Einstein

clawing her way out

For a few weeks now, I've been ready to cry at the slightest bit of depth.

Last week, I left a trail of tears in front of a sculpture installation at SFMoMa, as well as every bit of art leading up to it.
I hear songs that move me and can't listen with joy any longer.
I see people performing double dutch tricks at parties and I roll my eyes jealously that I don't have "a thing" that is all mine and then I want to tell everyone about these amazing girls who get paid to perform rope jumping.

There is a wild, uninhibited, confident, tigress of an artist stuck underneath the veil of an anxiety ridden, hesitant, nervous nelly with bloody fingers from chewing (and a bloody scalp from scratching). The tiger is no longer comfortable under this skin and her claws make my day somewhat uncomfortable in turn.

If only I could rip open my chest and let her out.

My sense is that 1) I need to serve others but I only have this thought because of religious teaching - I've served others and not felt the alleviation of this frustration which leads me to sense 2) I need to spend a significant amount of time creating.

If that doesn't work, well, I'll tell the driver to stop so I can get off this damned bus.

a timely, somewhat ironic, reminder

June 17th, 4:00pm - chat

hi baby
i've been pleasantly lost in thoughts of you all day
i had pizza for lunch. office meeting
just walked around the city w/ dave a bit
4:10 PM
Shalako has gone offline.
4:45 PM
Shalako is now online.
4:55 PM
aww
you're such a poet
I ate a pot cookie about an hour and a half ago and made a deposit at the bank
then I went to sfmoma and cried for about 10 minutes in front of a piece that consisted of boxes carved into the wall, with shoes or a shoe or a shoe form in side the boxes and then a cow's bladder stretched across the hole and stitched with surgical thread to the wall.

focus

focus
my dear friend
where have you gone

i vaguely recollect a time
when the honor of your presence
didn't require steeped, fermented tea leaves

[with sugar and milk]

perhaps
once i've cleared the table
a bit
you'll return of your own volition

until then
my elusive friend

will that be one lump
or two?